


Submerge

by cryingoverspilledvodka



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Early Relationship, First Fight, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-08 07:26:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8835586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryingoverspilledvodka/pseuds/cryingoverspilledvodka
Summary: After an argument with Victor, Yuuri skates on the reservoir to clear his head.---Yuuri and Victor try to figure out this whole 'relationship' thing while also healing from a trauma.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd, all mistakes my own.

Yuuri remembered his mother warning him. Remembered his father's hand tight on his arm after pulling him in from the snow, and Mari watching from the hall. He'd never seen his mother so angry.

But that was when he was ten. And it hadn't stopped him then either.

Yuuri pulled his skates out of the gear bag. They were an old pair, leather beaten and blades maybe a little too blunt. The laces were out of their aglets and fraying. But he knew Victor would kill him if he used his current ones. Probably set Yuuko-san on him as well for good measure. And Yuuri wasn't sure how he felt about getting into anything with Victor at the moment, never mind dragging Yuuko-san into the domestic as well. Snow was driftly idly and the air was so brisk Yuuri could almost taste it in the back of his throat. He sat down on the bank by the edge of the reservoir, the cold and damp seeping through his trousers and thermal. Yuuri really wasn't dressed for skating, sitting in his puffy coat and old worn jeans, but Yuuri had brought the skates anyway. 

Victor was just so- _ugh_ , there weren't words. Yuuri kicked his first leg out, back of the blade digging into the dirt beneath the snow. Stupid came to mind, but even in his own head that sounded childish. Yuuri tried to concentrate on tying his laces, but Victor's face hung behind his eyes like an impression, the flashing reflection of the sun. _So stupid_.

The anger Yuuri had hoped to dissipate with the walk to the reservoir washed over him, flushing his face and causing the corners of his eyes to prickle with heat. He blinked the tears away before they bloomed, standing up and hobbling to the edge of the reservoir. He stared out across it's blank surface, the other side of Hasetsu looking back at him. Withered crop plains and the distant tops of houses. And everything white.

Yuuri stepped out onto the ice, blade chipping along the uneven surface. He spied the tell-tale marks of previous skaters sprawling around him. Clearly, he hadn't been the only one looking for a quieter skate. Thoughts of Victor and the night before came rushing back, and Yuuri groaned loudly to himself and the frozen water, dropping his head into his hands. Yuuri had only come all this way out as he didn't want to risk Victor coming after him if he went to Ice Palace. And be damned if Victor was going to be the reason Yuuri couldn't skate himself better. Damn Victor all around, really.

After skating out by about twelve feet, comforted by the swirling marks around him, Yuuri stepped off gracefully into a glide before circling back around, arms languid. This moment wasn't about the form, or the skill. And certainly not about Victor. But Yuuri couldn't get the idiot's face out of his mind, or more terribly, his words out of his ears. Yuuri gently hopped along the ice, left skate jittering as he landed when it caught on uneven ice.

_'Respecting you?'_ Victor had asked, almost cruelly in Yuuri's memory. Accent harsh, the c's clicking in an ugly way. _'I'm your coach, I don't have to respect you.'_

Yuuri kicked a stray clump of something with his toe as he hopped off the ice again in a formless jump. He landed gracefully, left leg swinging around him. A car drove down the road that ran along the edge of the reservoir, headlights still on in the gently faint morning light. Yuuri knew Victor could be dense on occasion, but most days he put it down to Victor's _selective_ understanding of English. Funny, how Victor decided he couldn't understand things he didn't like. Yuuri gritted his teeth, still seething at his own bumbling response.

_'T-this isn't about being my coach, Victor. You aren't- you just aren't listening to me! Baka-'_

_'Yuuri! Perhaps I listen too much. I think I may have been too indulgent, da?'_

Yuuri didn't quite remember if Victor said as such so eloquently, but it didn't matter. The implication was evident from where Yuuri was standing. And Victor's eyes in that moment, narrowed to the point of a dagger. A warning. A warning Yuuri hadn't listened to, or had stood to take. Yuuri twisted, his blades scratching in a long whine across the reservoir surface. He felt his right leg wobble as the blade caught. Yuuri didn't remember exactly how what happened next had done so, didn't remember the exact words. He rememberd crying, stupidly. And he remembered Victor telling him to go to sleep, that he was tired, that he'd feel better about it all in the morning. Self-righteous man. Yuuri side-stepped, pushing into a glide, gaining speed and pushing out further from the banks.

He remembered storming out just fine though. At least that was something.

(If perhaps a little dramatic). 

Yuuri swept along the edge of the reservoir, turning back towards the empty space. He hurt, and he knew he did. Under all that anger, Yuuri could still feel the sting of Victor's words. Of what Victor must think of him. Perhaps everyone had been right all along. Maybe Victor was just looking for a distraction, inspiration for his next adventure. Perhaps Yuuri had been foolish to think _he_ was the adventure, and not the interim. A niggling thought reminded Yuuri of Victor's face after the Cup of China, the curve his mouth and the softness in his eyes.

He landed another jump on the ice with a loud _clap_.

That kiss had meant more than the world to Yuuri. More than the blood in his veins, than the air he breathed. The bursting idolisation for Victor Yuuri had carried for so long had blossomed into something enormous and starving, and nameless for as long as Yuuri could keep it so. _Love_ as a theme was broad enough, to define further was blurring lines that Yuuri couldn't see clearly as it were. And that kiss was like Victor had flicked the lock on it's cage, letting it course rampant through Yuuri like a river.

Yuuri spun across the ice, bending low to feel the pull, before straightening again. Another car rounded the road, slowing as it passed.

It's not that Yuuri thought Victor didn't care. He knew Victor cared, of course he did. It was in the way he held Yuuri's chin, the way Victor tried despite his accent to perfect the soft u of Yuuri's name that so effortlessly came to friends and family. But last night revealed something Yuuri had never considered and he wasn't sure he was ready for the illusion of whatever it was between them to be dissuaded just yet. Yuuri had just wanted so desperately. Another _clap_ as Yuuri hopped, not quite rotating as he did.

Yuuri just wanted Victor to understand, to know that some things cannot be fixed overnight through sheer determination. Or adoration. Not that Yuuri would know either way, given his complete lack-

The left blade caught in something, causing Yuuri to stumble forward. His arms waved in front of him for moment before he regained his balance, stomach swooping at the sudden movement. The momentary panic set Yuuri's emotions alight suddenly- the anger, the hurt and the cold fear that maybe, just maybe, Yuuri's anxieties had been right along. Yuuri burst forward on the momentum of his fall, pushing forward and skating with speed. His feet skimmed the uneven surface. The tears came back.

Victor was so good- great, even. When he wanted to be. Yuuri had never met anyone who was so singleminded, while simultaneously flippant. With Victor, it had always been hard to tell where teasing blurred into promise and it was quite clear now that despite Yuuri's newfound confidence, he still couldn't tell the difference. Yuuri turned his right leg in, curving in speed to a circle. Yuuri just wanted Victor to understand, to really grasp the enormity of what Yuuri was offering and why. It's not that Yuuri resented Victor's inability- well, not _exactly._

The turning point of the circle opened into a spread eagle as the momentum carried Yuuri forward.

Maybe it was a cultural thing, Yuuri mused idly as he spun. Yuuri had to concede that while he may have learnt everything he possibly could about Russia from a young age so to better understand Victor and his skating, it was not very likely that Victor had done any such research before he moved to Japan to coach Yuuri. Russia was far from the best place to be open, Yuuri knew that. Maybe Victor's prevalence for duplicity came from that.

(Deep down though, Yuuri knew that blaming social conventions was a sorry out for what had happened. What was _happening._  The sad truth was that it was more likely that Victor was who he was, and maybe that didn't suit Yuuri as much as Yuuri had hoped it would).

But even so, Victor could be so disrespectful at times. His eloquence and charm had always seemed ephemral, but in an abstract way in that Yuuri had only known him from afar. Now upon knowing him better, Yuuri was unsure how he felt to see Victor's sincerity still shrouded in games. Yuuri wondered as he turned on the ice how he'd ever managed to fall in love with someone so unattainable.

And Yuuri did love him. Desperately. Foolishly, probably. (Not that he could tell the idiot that). Some days he was convinced Victor could read the words by the lines of Yuuri's arms as they bent, or by the sound his skates made on the rink in the early morning and Yuuri had thought on more than one occasion that he could feel it too coming back to him like a current in Victor's fingers as they guided, held and moved. But other days, like yesterday, Yuuri felt like maybe they had been having two completely separate relationships with the other. The thought made his blood run cold.

There was so much evidence to suggest such doubts weren't fair. So much that Yuuri even felt a little shame as he spun on the uneven ice, blade _clacking_ loudly. Victor had come so far, and _stayed_. He'd shown Yuuri, everyone, the world what exactly he wanted to give him. But Yuuri's insecurity sat inside him, tendrils pooling out and constricting his thoughts. It sat like a stubborn weed, resistant to pulling. Victor had always been a performer, after all; always looking for the next best way to surprise his audience. 

_Clap,_ as Yuuri landed another half-hearted jump. Well, Victor had certainly succeeded in that.

Suddenly, the quiet of the reservoir erupted into noise as Yuuri's phone rang from his coat just at the moment he took off for another jump. Yuuri startled, arms falling out of formation and his balance tumbling along with him. At speed, Yuuri fell and hit the ice with a heavy _thud,_ body skidding across the surface.

Yuuri froze in place, down on his side with his legs stretched out behind him. His phone had fallen from his pocket in the fall, skittering feet from him along the ice, ringing merrily as it went. It skidded out into the empty space, further than Yuuri had gone. Yuuri touched the ice below him, hand shaking. For one, brief, horrible moment he had thought-

Sighing at his own irrationality, Yuuri pulled himself up and pushed forward towards his phone. He couldn't see who was calling, but he had a pretty fair idea of who would notice he was missing at half six in the morning. Yuuri's heart thumped in his chest with leftover adrenaline. When he had hit the ice, all he could picture was Victor's smile, his look of triumph on surprising Yuuri at the Cup of China. Despite everything, suddenly nothing sounded better than the promise of hearing Victor's voice.

Yuuri looked up as a car horn came from the road, just turning his head when he suddenly felt his legs give beneath him at the sound of a sickening _crunch._ Yuuri barely had time to register what had happened before he fell, down into the water, all the way below the surface. Yuuri cried out, arms flailing, but it only allowed freezing water to blow in, burning his throat.  
  
Panic set in immediately. It was pitch black under the ice, and Yuuri's glasses slipped off him as he sunk lower. Yuuri tried to push up with his legs, but his winter coat was so heavy. It felt like a whole other person, wrapped around him and dragging him down. His skates felt like stones. Yuuri kicked desperately, arms trying to find the edge of the ice. He was starving for air; it felt like his lungs were on fire, swelling with vacuum and threatening to explode out of him. 

It was so, so cold. Everything Yuuri had was in pain with it. He tried to keep his eyes open, but found he couldn't. His mouth opened of his own accord and he could feel himself swallowing water. 

_I'm going to die,_ Yuuri thought, manically, the knowledge squeezing his heart with a freezing grip. Veins leaden, blood thick. Yuuri gave one last desperate kick, before feeling exhaustion pull at him, panicked heart slowing down. Yuuri let himself sink, Victor's voice in his ears.

_I wanted to surprise you._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like long chapters. Because this is a behemoth.

_Six day_ s _earlier..._

Victor was going insane.

Okay, maybe _insane_  was a strong word. But Victor was definitely coming to the end of his resolve, which amounted to much the same thing. Yuuri turned over in his sleep, breath soft and almost inaudible. Except for the fact that Victor was listening for it, deliberately keeping his own quiet in the hopes of hearing Yuuri. Which was a little south of romantic and roaming into pathetic. Victor watched Yuuri's small body move under the blankets of the twin bed across from him, slow and aimless with sleep in the dark of the hotel room. Victor felt his heart twist uncomfortably.

Had Victor known it would've been this difficult, he might've reconsidered the whole thing. But the damage was done.

The excitement of Yuuri's Cup of China silver was still electric in Victor's veins, spreading warmth through his whole body. With his current apprehension, it made for an interesting cocktail that was now keeping Victor awake. Given everything, half of Victor couldn't believe he'd given into the adrenaline, letting his emotions burst out of the carefully constructed walls he had been keeping them in. The other half was amazed Victor had been able to restrain himself for so long. 

Months. That was how long Victor had been craving that moment with Yuuri. From the second he first had Yuuri alone in Hasetsu, maybe even from as long ago as the banquet where they met. During that time, Victor hadn't been able to work out if Yuuri had been teasing him, or genuinely not interested. If the latter, Victor would probably have thrown himself off Hasetsu's pier. 

Everything, that's what Victor wanted from Yuuri. Every success, every failure, every beat of his plucky little heart. And Yuuri had been all give to Victor's take for the most part. Except where it had been really beginning to count, as Victor found himself hopelessly falling for Yuuri. And not gracefully, either. Falling like your skate was blunt and the ice cut up. And you were drunk. 

But it turned out that this was the one thing Yuuri was not generous with. He gave Victor his time, his touch and his damn near everything- but Yuuri wouldn't give Victor his heart. Yuuri seemed to have no issue with teasing Victor by dangling it in front of him though. 

Yes, then no. Pull, then push. Go, then stop. 

But tonight it had been all  _go._

Kissing Yuuri was kind of like kissing a volcano- all heat with the promise of enormous emotion just below the molten surface, threatening to erupt. Victor felt like he had dived headfirst into the thrill of a first skate, the roar of a crowd, the pull of the story- all at once. Down, down, down into his own fantasies. And he had done so in front of the whole world. 

Finally, Yuuri had let him in. He'd offered Victor a brave centimetre with his quadruple flip, and Victor had stormed in a mile. 

Because, honestly, how could Victor help himself? 

When Victor had looked down at Yuuri on the ice, his student's face was probably the most beautiful thing Victor had ever seen. Pale skin flushed, eyes half-lidded and mouth shining up in a crooked smile. It was like Victor could see the barriers Yuuri had built crumbling down, revealing the confidence in their mutual affection that Victor had felt from day one and Yuuri had hid from until now. It was easily one of the best moments of Victor's life.

It was everything that came after that resulted in Victor now stewing in his hotel bed. 

After Victor and Yuuri had left the kiss and cry post-free skate, Victor had tried his best to get Yuuri as far away from the gossip press that awaited them as soon as possible. But in the mania of the cameras and microphones, Yuuri had slipped out of Victor's grip and vanished into the crowd. Victor had tried to be pleasant, but the unease he felt from not having Yuuri with him had the veneer cracking. Divide and conquer, that had always been the press's agenda. The questions aimed at Victor had been endless, and as expected not a single one about Yuuri's skate:

_'Mister Nikiforov, what have you to say about your behaviour on the ice?'_

_'Nikiforov-sama, how do you think your coach-student relationship with Katsuki Yuuri will be affected after your behaviour today?'_

_'Victor! How long have you and Katsuki been a couple? Why come forward now?'_

'Excuse me, but today is about Yuuri and his spectacular performance,' Victor had said, smiling blithely and slipping away. He had to find Yuuri. It wasn't fair for them not to be with each other- especially now. He didn't want Yuuri to be left to the sharks. Didn't want to give Yuuri the chance to overthink. To withdraw.

Victor had found Yuuri in the cool down room, sitting on the couch with Phichit, the Thai competitor. Yuuri hadn't looked happy then, not exactly. Dazed, was probably more accurate. He was staring straight ahead, cheeks still red and gelled hair beginning to fall. Phichit was talking to him, one hand on his phone and the other rubbing Yuuri's shoulder. Yuuri's own phone was between his fingers, almost dangling like he had forgotten he was holding it.

Phichit had looked over as Victor walked in. He beamed, eyes shining and all teeth. 'Victor! Hello!'

Yuuri looked over. He didn't smile, but Victor knew Yuuri well enough to read the relief in his face. Victor smiled, walking towards Yuuri with purpose. The metres had felt like miles.

'Mister Chulanont, how good to see you!'

'Phichit, please!'

Phichit had been all enthusiasm. He congratulated Victor on how brave he was, on he and Yuuri's relationship. He talked about Yuuri's performance, praise and pride evident. Victor had listened politely, one arm down and on Yuuri's other shoulder. He rubbed circles through Yuuri's costume, sequins chipping. The tension had been- severe. Victor had tried to put the image of Yuuri crying in the garage out of his mind, tried to flood himself with the feeling of Yuuri's lips. But Yuuri's tears stayed in Victor's head.

Stubborn. 

'Victor's really brought something out in you, Yuuri-kun,' Phichit said, hand moving down to squeeze Yuuri's hand. Yuuri started slightly at the contact, showing how little he had been paying attention. Phicit's smiled had dropped a little, but he covered well, Victor thought.

When the announcement came for the qualifiers to return to the rink for the podium, Phichit had tugged on Yuuri to pull him up. Victor's hand slid from Yuuri's shoulder and had reached down to hold Yuuri's hand instead. Yuuri had paused, looking down at where Victor and his hands met. Phichit had waited, patiently. 

Yuuri looked over to him and had muttered something Victor couldn't understand. Could've  been Japanese, could've been Thai for all Victor knew. Victor didn't even know if Yuuri spoke Thai. Phichit had nodded and left with a small wave, leaving Victor and Yuuri alone. 

Victor had gone first. 'Yuuri, you were beautiful.'

Victor moved his other hand up to hold Yuuri's face. Yuuri had not been looking at him, eyes downcast. Victor had wanted nothing more than Yuuri to look at him. 

'It's only silver,' Yuuri replied quietly, almost like he was telling Victor some terrible secret. 'I fell.'

'We all fall,' Victor had said, smiling. Victor had moved forward then, closing the space between them. Yuuri's body had been so warm, skin goosebumping down his neck. Victor pressed his lips to Yuuri's forehead, speaking to the skin. 'If nothing else, I know you are proud of your friend. And I am proud of you. So go to the podium, cheer for Phichit and smile for me, _da?_ '

One of Yuuri's hands had come up to hold Victor's to his face. Victor looked down at him as Yuuri had looked up, and for one wonderful moment, Victor thought Yuuri might kiss him. Instead though, Yuuri had smiled a tight smile, eyes betraying him. 

'Okay.' 

Eventually, after the flurry of cameras and Phichit's medal selfies, Victor had excused them and gathered Yuuri up, bringing him outside for a taxi. They had silently decided to skip the celebrations, Victor walking through the crowd, making sure this time not to lose his grip on Yuuri's shoulders. Victor should've known something was amiss. Yuuri hadn't spoken once during the entire ceremony, not even speaking up against Phichit when he had brought up a crush Yuuri had had on Victor as a young skater. (Not that Victor hadn't had his suspicions about such a thing).

All signs were pointing to trouble. 

When Victor finally had Yuuri alone, they were in the lift of the hotel. Yuuri had collapsed back against the arm rest, dropping his gear bag and throwing his head back and exposing his pale neck like he had no idea what such a thing would do to Victor's already weathered self-control. Victor licked his lips, then tried:

'Yuuri, today was-'

'I'm tired,' Yuuri had said, eyes closed and head still back. 'Can we go to bed?'

'Oh.' Victor blinked, footing lost. Yuuri had sounded off, not quite distant but certainly like he had something on his mind. Victor went with the charm offensive. He smiled, hand reaching out. 'Of course, my little katsudon.'

Yuuri had said nothing, and he made no movement to acknowledge Victor's ourstretched hand. Instead, he sighed with true exhaustion, leaning over slightly to rest against Victor's shoulder. Victor tried not to feel rejected, as he hadn't been, not really- but it wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind either in getting Yuuri alone either. Victor had tried not to feel nervous. After all, he had nothing to feel nervous about. Everyone they knew told Victor all the time how much Yuuri admired him. And Victor wasn't blind. He'd seen Yuuri's face in the rink. Victor hadn't imagined that. 

At least, he had hoped not. 

'A quadruple flip. Really, Yuuri. Amazing,' Victor had said, softly, like they weren't alone and had to keep all of it a secret. Like Victor hadn't exposed everything they hadn't told each other yet to the whole world. 'I wish you could've felt my heart in that moment.'

Yuuri had still not been looking at him and Victor was trying not to panic about it. He felt like he was back in that garage, back to feeling like he didn't really know Yuuri at all, despite everything. Maybe this was another thing Victor had gotten wrong?

As if reading his thoughts, Yuuri had reached his hand out slightly, taking Victor's little finger between two of his own. The pressure was light, and the spark to the gasoline that was Victor's heart as Victor had suddenly felt like his chest would burst. 

'Stop thinking,' Yuuri had said, voice just above a whisper. Victor swallowed thickly, watching his finger pale as Yuuri tightened his. Yuuri leaned in further. 'Just take me to bed.'

And hadn't that been just about the only thing Victor had dreamt of hearing for months. 

Except Victor had obviously gotten ahead of himself, as once they made it to the hotel room, Yuuri had changed and gotten into his own bed, alone, by the time Victor had finished his shower. It was hard not to feel rejected, standing in the dark and looking at Yuuri's back to him. Victor had hoped, perhaps naïvely, that it would be easy. That once they had taken down that final wall between them, everything else would just fall quickly into place. Victor knew that Yuuri was probably not regretting what happened, but it was hard not to take the situation like he was. 

Or at least, that's what it felt like to Victor right now. 

Victor didn't think they were going backwards. Not exactly. But the night before Yuuri had slept in Victor's bed, travelling and competing pulling him into sleep mid-Netflix on Victor's phone. And both of them had taken to spending the odd night in each other's room back in Hasetsu. Victor had thought a repeat of the event would be a certainty given their kiss. But clearly not.

Maybe Yuuri had been waiting for permission. Victor didn't specify he wanted Yuuri in his bed with him, and Yuuri was never one to take the initiative. Yuuri's confidence remained bound to the ice. Victor watched as Yuuri's mouth opened in sleep. It looked soft. But Yuuri seemed closed off in the lift. Not quite cold, but definitely not the heat Victor felt the kiss promised. He was building his walls again. Victor was sure of it. And like Hell Victor was going to let Yuuri get away with that after all the months it took Victor to break them down the first time.

Making a decision, Victor pulled himself out of bed and crawled into Yuuri's. Yuuri grunted as he woke from the movement, perhaps a little startled.

'Vicchan?'

'Shush, go back to sleep.' Victor carefully slid down the bed, lying his head across Yuuri's chest.

'You're in my bed,' Yuuri mumbled. Victor said nothing, waiting. Yuuri's arm came down around Victor's shoulders, pulling him a little tighter. ''S nice.'

Victor grinned, triumphant, turning his face into Yuuri's pyjamas and breathing in the soap from Yuuri's shower. Yuuri fell back asleep quickly, but Victor stayed awake just a little longer. Just so he could listen to Yuuri's heartbeat thump beneath him. If Victor tried hard enough, maybe his would beat in tandem.

* * *

The morning was better. Yuuri had woken first, but he returned to bed after he'd brushed his teeth. Victor, feigning sleep through the whole thing, took that as a very promising sign for what Yuuri expected. By the time Victor's alarm went off shortly after, they had switched positions from the night before, with Yuuri's head pillowed on Victor's chest while Victor ran his fingers through Yuuri's hair. It was perfect.

Victor reached over for his phone, causing Yuuri to grumble in protest. Victor laughed. 'We can't stay in Beijing, Yuuri.'

'It's cold,' Yuuri muttered and Victor's heart melted just a bit.

'Yes, but if you actually want that gold medal next time you'll need to get back to Hasetsu for training,' Victor said, trying to sound coachly and failing miserably as Yuuri just looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.

'That's mean, Victor. Even for you,' Yuuri said, actually having the gall to pout. For one second, Victor felt brave, but an unusual hesitance caught him mid-act. Victor leant forward, pressing a kiss to Yuuri's forehead instead. Heard Yuuri's soft intake of breath.

'I'm sure I can convince you to forgive me,' he said, moving to get out of the bed.

They took turns getting dressed. Victor tried to be careful, tried not to stare too much as Yuuri pulled his pyjama shirt over his head exposing his back. For the first time in his life, Victor was unsure of how to proceed from a kiss. He could tell that they were in a delicate place. The status quo had altered and Victor needed to give Yuuri a chance to adjust. They'd be the same as they ever were, but more. Victor didn't want to push Yuuri for fear Yuuri push back, and away. Victor had seen Yuuri retreat before, knew as his coach and his friend that some things were left better for Yuuri to come to on his own. The most Victor could do was make sure Yuuri felt welcome to do so.

After they'd checked out, Victor gave into his cravings a little and  took Yuuri's hand in his own. He watched Yuuri blush, but say nothing, as Victor rubbed small circles on the back of his hand. Baby steps. Victor could do that. Even if everything he had was screaming to wrap his arms around Yuuri and kiss the _koytenok_  until he more than blushing. To bend Yuuri low, arm around his waist, lift his leg up and around Victor-

But- patience.

Victor was a five time champion, world renowned. He could show patience. He'd waited this long already, right?

Yuuri read on his phone for the flight using the pay-per-hour wifi. Victor wasn't sure how he felt about it. Yuuri was normally so frugal that he never considered the wifi option if it required payment, not as long as Victor had known him. So obviously he was very intent. But Victor wanted Yuuri to stay away from the Internet and it's grumblings. He wanted Yuuri to be comfortable, to have the chance to get used to their new situation. Gossip rags tended to get in the way of such things, in Victor's experience. 

'It's everywhere,' Yuuri said after a while. Victor pulled out one of his earphones to listen. 

'What is?'

'Our kiss,' Yuuri said quietly.

'Ah, yes. I should probably have considered the cameras a little more,' Victor said, completely faking regret as Victor was hardly going to start denying his possessive streak over Yuuri now. As far as Victor was concerned, the more public the claim the better. 'But I didn't care anyway. I had already waited so long to kiss you.'

Yuuri blushed a deep crimson, all the way down his neck. Victor watched, amused. He wondered idly if Yuuri's blush made it all the way down to his chest. Victor's eyes moved down, as if he could see for himself through Yuuri's hoodie. Hopefully the time to find out for certain came sooner rather than later. Victor looked up, realising that while he had been thinking, Yuuri had been talking.

'What?'

'Sorry,' Yuuri said, like it was his fault Victor hadn't been paying attention. Yuuri's eyes met Victor's through his glasses, a nervous smile tugging at his lips. 'I just said- just, that I'm glad. That you kissed me.'

Victor couldn't contain the grin that escaped. He leaned forward over the arm rest and buried his face into Yuuri's neck as Yuuri let out a surprised squeak. Victor delighted in Yuuri's warmth and his spluttering. 

'Me too.'

* * *

There wasn't a lot of kissing back in Hasetsu. And definitely no kissing in front of anyone, with Yuuri almost jumping two feet from Victor any time one of his family members walked in on the two of them, even if they had just been talking. The most prominent change between them really was that Yuuri would reach out and take Victor's hand anytime he seemed to want to now. It made Victor's heart flutter in a way he hadn't thought it was capable of. Under the table at dinner, on the way to Ice Palace in the morning. It was nice.

But when there was kissing, it was _good_.

Kisses were mostly a morning and night-time affair in the last few days. At the door for goodnights, and just before practice at the rink. Their first kiss after returning from China had been a surprise from Yuuri, who leant forward suddenly over the awning of the rink and pressed his lips to Victor's. The act had set Victor's heart on fire. All the kisses after were nothing scandalous, much to Victor's amusement and frustration. Just chaste presses, maybe lingering. Not that he minded too much. Victor was willing to follow Yuuri's pace. But he'd be lying if he thought that it wasn't difficult to restrain himself in certain situations.

Like this one.

Victor had Yuuri pressed up against the bedroom door in Yuuri's room. It wasn't too late, just after dinner and Yuuri had brought Victor into his room under the pretence of showing him some footage of a jump he wanted to try. It really was a testament to Yuuri's innocent appearance that Victor had taken that at face value. Yuuri's arms were around his neck, hands at the base of Victor's neck and Victor's arms right around Yuuri's waist. The kiss was a continuous peppering of Victor's lips against Yuuri's, with the occasional rubbing of noses and grinning. It was sweet and slow. And doing absolutely nothing for Victor's self-control, but he was careful to keep his body off Yuuri's for fear of pushing too much.

Until Yuuri's grip tightened and his body lifted off the door, pressing right up against Victor, his body heat infectious.

The noise that came out of Victor at the contact would probably have been embarrassing with anyone else, but with Yuuri it felt more like surrender. A very small whimper. Yuuri's mouth opened at that in a very small _'oh'_ and Victor took advantage, swiping his tongue against Yuuri's lips. Yuuri gasped again, mouth opening a little wider and Victor took that as invitation.

Once Victor felt Yuuri's tongue against his, Yuuri froze. Victor tried to stay slow, moving forward then back very carefully, hands firm on Yuuri's waist. Victor felt Yuuri relax, felt his little tongue push that bit out to meet Victor's. And just like their first kiss, Yuuri was all _go_ again and Victor was falling.

Yuuri pulled Victor down and against him, Yuuri hitting the door with an audible _thump_. Victor fell forward, hips to Yuuri's hips and everything meeting in between. This was about the point Victor's self control officially snapped.

Victor moved a hand up to take Yuuri's jaw and tilt his head up, opening his mouth a little further as the kiss got that much deeper. The other gripped tighter, likely hurting Yuuri the tiniest bit. Yuuri groaned as Victor's tongue surged forward and if that wasn't the most erotic thing Victor had ever heard, he didn't know what was. Victor chased the noise, taking Yuuri's bottom lip between his teeth. He wanted to follow that voice all the way down to Yuuri's chest, bury himself there between the ribs.

And Victor knew that sounded crazy, but what could he do? Yuuri made him crazy.

Victor moved down Yuuri's waist and around to his ass through the joggers, grabbing it firmly and relishing the noise Yuuri made that was somewhere between a moan and possibly Victor's name. _Now that's more like it,_ Victor thought, his whole body not quite grinding up against Yuuri's, but certainly not far off it either. The heat between them was rising, the molten core of whatever it was between them melting and fissuring. Victor could feel himself reacting, all tumbling south, and hoped vaguely that Yuuri didn't mind, or at the very least didn't notice.

Their kiss was like a steady current of electricity, fizzling and sparking between them as it passed back and forth. Yuuri wasn't the most skilled, as he'd either never kissed someone before or if he had it definitely hadn't been like this. For that, Victor felt a little surge of possessiveness rise in him, felt the need to teach Yuuri a thing or two about kissing while also hoping to keep Yuuri's inexperience for himself.

'Victor-' Yuuri said as he pulled away slightly, voice breathy; like he was the swooning maiden and not the elusive temptress that had Victor going round in circles for months. Victor moved to Yuuri's neck, leaving open mouth kisses where it met his jaw. Yuuri's hands slid down Victor's neck, prickling heat all the way down. They stopped on Victor's chest and pushed a little. 'Victor- wait. We have to stop.'

The last thing Victor wanted was to stop. Pushing his luck a little, Victor bit down the smallest bit just above Yuuri's collarbone. Yuuri let out a tiny yelp, fingers twisting in Victor's t-shirt. Victor smiled into Yuuri's neck, hoping that while he may not have gotten Yuuri's red light all the way back to green, he had a chance of amber at least. But-

'Okay. Stop, please,' Yuuri said, and maybe it was wishful thinking but Victor thought Yuuri didn't sound like he wanted Victor to stop at all. Victor lifted his head and looked at Yuuri, who was all dark eyes, askew glasses and swollen lips and  _god that's not fair._

But Victor relinquished his hold on Yuuri's ass and jaw, hands coming down to hold Yuuri's waist. Victor saw Yuuri breathe out, eyes closing and his whole body relaxing. Victor smiled and stepped back. Yuuri opened his eyes, the briefest flash of worry across his soft face. Victor reached out and brushed a stray hair out of Yuuri's eyes.

'I'll always meet you where you are, Yuuri,' Victor said, and he meant it. Yuuri smiled, eyes shining and then moving down to look at Victor's current situation. Victor chuckled at Yuuri's sudden blush.

'Oh! Um, sorry,' Yuuri stuttered, hands coming up in an apologetic manner. Victor chuckled.

'Don't be. Consider it an affect of your Eros,' Victor teased, flashing Yuuri a wink. Victor ran a hand through his hair, pushing his fringe out of the way. 'We should probably go to bed anyway. Up early for practice! Speaking of Eros, hopefully you have some inspiration brewing.'

Yuuri nodded sheepishly, blush still obvious. Victor moved forward and brushed a kiss to Yuuri's forehead. 'Goodnight, Yuuri.'

'Goodnight, Victor.'

* * *

Yuuri had flubbed every jump so far.

If he hadn't over-rotated, he just plain fell, hitting the ice at speed. Victor bit his lip, unsure of how to proceed. He tapped his fingers against his own arm, listening to the careful pat of them against the fabric of his under armour. Yuuri was stony-faced as he spun in slow circles after his last fall, right arm already reddening underneath his rolled up sleeve from when he had crashed just moments before. It looked particularly stark and painful against the blue of the shirt. Even by Yuuri's standards, and Victor was loathe to admit it, it was a bad practice all around.

Yuuri kicked the ice with his skate, frustration evident from his furrowed brow and gritted teeth. Without his glasses to soften him, Yuuri looked practically murderous. Before he could set off again, Victor made a decision.

'Yuuri, stop!' Yuuri turned in to a halt, looking over across the rink to Victor, who stepped out onto the ice in his own skates. Victor glided up to Yuuri, carefully taking his hand in his own. _On Love- Eros_ faded out and back in as the speaker started its repeat cycle.

'What's going on?'

'Nothing,' Yuuri snapped, eyes dark with warning and snatching his hand back. Victor frowned down at Yuuri, even taller than usual in his skates and taking full advantage of such.

'Yuuri, tell me now.' Victor didn't often break out the Big Bad Coach Voice, (courtesy of Yakov), but the situation called for it.

Yuuri looked for a moment like he was going to stick his heels in and tell Victor to piss-off, which on any other day Victor would probably allow for the sheer novelty. But instead Yuuri sighed, shoulders edging up around him. He shoved a hand through his hair awkwardly, pushing it back the way Victor liked.

'It's nothing. Stupid. I'm just letting the small stuff get to me,' Yuuri said like that in any way cleared everything up. Victor crossed his arms and glared.

'Yuuri.'

'Victor,' Yuuri replied icily, looking up at Victor with narrowing eyebrows. Victor raised one in retaliation.

'What stuff?' Before Yuuri could try and snub him again, Victor raised his head a little just to make himself taller and broke out the big guns. ' _Teper'_ , Yuuri.'

Yuuri flushed slightly at the Russian and Victor knew he'd won.

'It's stupid,' Yuuri said, one last feeble attempt of dissuading Victor. His stern face dropped a little. 'Have you seen the GPF forum lately?'

Victor shook his head. As far as social media was concerned, Victor rarely got involved with any that weren't his own personal accounts. It was better to keep as far from the noise and discontent of the forums as possible in Victor's experience. An experience Yuuri had likely just learned for himself.

'You shouldn't take any of that to heart, Yuuri,' Victor said kindly, reaching a hand out to turn Yuuri around so he could better adjust Yuuri's form. 'Most of that is just competitive bitchiness generated by bloggers to up their numbers. If they're still holding you to the standards of last year, then they're either blind or stupid. Either way, nothing for you to worry about.'

'They're not talking about my skating. Well, not exactly.'

Ah. This is what Victor had been afraid of.

'Then it's definitely none of their business,' Victor said brightly, running his hands down Yuuri's back to try and encourage him to stand straight in his skates. But Yuuri's shoulders were still tense, putting him out of posture. 'Either the skating forums write about your skating, or they find new careers.'

'They say the only reason you're coaching me is because you're sleeping with me,' Yuuri said quietly. Victor snorted, unable to stop himself.

'Is that all?' he said, rolling his hands over Yuuri's shoulders to help relax them. Victor indulged himself, leaning forward and pressing his lips against the back of Yuuri's neck. 'I'm not even sleeping with you. Yet.'

'Victor!' Yuuri twirled on the spot, facing Victor with wide eyes.

'Oh, Yuuri! Don't be so coy!' Victor laughed, rubbing Yuuri's upper arms. Yuuri lips were pursed and if he thought for one moment that such a thing would stop Victor then maybe he gave Victor more credit that he deserved.

'Just forget about it,' Victor said, waving a hand as if to wave away Yuuri's misery. Victor teased; 'Besides, once you get back to jumping like a halfway decent skater then it won't matter if I'm sleeping with you or not!'

'Victor, please!' Yuuri said and Victor's smile froze. Yuuri sounded strained. 'You can't say things like that.'

'Why not?' Victor asked, confused by Yuuri's sudden emotion.

'You wouldn't talk to any other student that way,' Yuuri said sternly, mouth bent. 'You wouldn't talk to Yurio like that.'

'I should hope not,' Victor said, attempting humour. It fell flat, as Yuuri grimaced up at him.

'That's not what I mean.'

'Then I don't understand.'

'This-' Yuuri shook a hand between them. '-shouldn't affect our skating.'

Victor took a moment to reply, not entirely sure where Yuuri was coming from. Hadn't their entire relationship come from skating? Was this another example of Yuuri's dissonance between on-ice and off-ice? Victor knew Yuuri was an anxious skater, but he hadn't expected him to be so furtive in something like this, which Victor regarded as needing much less caution. Didn't Yuuri trust Victor to guide him? Victor sighed, not quite irritated by Yuuri's behaviour, but certainly running out of patience for it.

Lately, Victor was beginning to feel more and more like he was trying to lure a skittish, wild animal towards him rather than his twenty-three year boyfriend.

(If they were calling themselves that).

'There should be boundaries,' Yuuri said, looking at Victor like a mother might look at a child they were about to scold.

'We've never had any before.'

'Well, that was before. It's official now.'

'... So now it's official we don't have boundaries, you want us to have boundaries?'

'Yes. No. You don't understand.'

'Definitely not.'

Yuuri groaned, dropping his head into his hands. Victor noticed he did that a lot. It was endearing, most of the time. Right now however, Victor just found it exasperating. He wanted Yuuri to look at him.

'What should it matter?' Victor asked genuinely.

'It's disrespectful,' Yuuri muttered, looking up. Victor couldn't help but laugh a little.

'Disrespectful?'

'Yes. I'm scared since we- since we started... you know,' Yuuri finished lamely with a faint blush creeping in, steadily undoing any menace his anger had. 'I don't want things to change. I'm worried about this; you coaching and dating me. I'm worried about you respecting me as a-'

'Respecting you?' Victor interrupted, unsure.

Did Yuuri really feel this way? Or was this some kind of test? Had Victor not proved how respectful he was of Yuuri and his limitations already? This was all starting to sound very much like Yuuri running scared, putting divisions where they needn't be any, which Victor did not approve of at all. Clearly Yuuri wasn't sure of something, whether it be Victor's intentions or maybe even his own feelings. Victor decided that the best way forward was to avoid the trigger- their relationship. Derail the panic. Victor shifted towards 'coach', firmly sticking 'boyfriend' on the shelf for the moment.

Trying to diffuse the situation, Victor tried teasing Yuuri again, aiming for a light tone to show Yuuri that this wasn't nearly as serious as he thought: 'I'm your coach, I don't have to respect you.'

Wrong move.

Yuuri's face contorted and Victor had seen this before. At the Cup of China, just near a week ago. Panic immediately set in but Victor held firm. If Yuuri was about to fall apart then he needed Victor to stay together and help him. No use both of them going to be pieces. Yuuri moved one skate across the ice, putting a small bit of distance between them. Yuuri shook his head, holding his hands up as if in surrender.

'T-this isn't about being my coach, Victor!' Yuuri all but shouted, eyes turning red and Victor knew the tears would come soon after. Victor reached out for Yuuri, but Yuuri skated back again, shoulders trembling. _Eros_  shifted into allegro and the whole thing was beginning to feel very surreal. 'You aren't- you just aren't listening to me! _Baka_ -'

'Yuuri!' Victor interrupted again, stunned. Victor's Japanese was far from fluent, but he'd learned enough and knew Yuuri well enough to know that Yuuri would never insult Victor if the situation wasn't well and truly getting out of hand. Victor tried not to be angry, he really did, but his patience had worn through. Yuuri was spiralling and Victor needed him to stop.

'Perhaps I listen too much. I think I may have been too indulgent,  _da?'_

If the last thing Victor had said had been the wrong thing to say, then this one transcended that into being _completely fucking wrong_  as the tears leaked down Yuuri's face. Victor's heart broke. Victor breathed out slowly, pushing his own frustration down. He looked up and tried to give Yuuri a smile. What he wanted to do was kiss him- hard. But Victor had been told quite firmly last time that such an act would be unwelcome. Instead, he tried words.

'Yuuri, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-'

'Yes, you did.'

Victor shut up at that, because to say he hadn't meant it that he had indeed been giving in too much to Yuuri's anxiety would be lying. Victor's smile faltered, but he moved anyway.

'Alright, but why don't we just take a break?' Victor glided forward, hand just skimming Yuuri's fingers.

'Why don't you back off?!' Yuuri shouted, recoiling from Victor and crying in earnest now. Victor was shocked, mouth actually falling open. He'd never seen Yuuri like this. Yuuri's eyes widened in a definite panic, clearly just realising what he had done. Victor tried to think of something to say, some way to show Yuuri that it was alright. But Victor wasn't even sure himself if things were alright.

'Just- just leave me alone. It's too much, it's all too much,' Yuuri said, words fast and tripping over each other a little, accent heavier than Victor had ever heard it. Yuuri started turning like he was about to leave. Victor could almost see Yuuri's insecurity rise up around him like a shield- keeping Victor out.

'Yuuri, enough,' Victor said, trying to sound stern, trying to stop the hysteria that was clearly mounting in Yuuri.

But Yuuri snapped back, retorting in Japanese too fast for Victor to catch. Victor wondered if he'd done it on purpose, but it was obvious from Yuuri's broken and red face that he hadn't noticed himself. Victor skated with a push, trying desperately to reach Yuuri. Yuuri was still, crying into his hands now. Victor wrapped his arms around him, pulling Yuuri flush. Victor rested his head on Yuuri's, staring straight across the rink at the folded stands. _Eros_  had started again, the only sound being it's notes and Yuuri's sobbing.

'I think this is enough for today,' Victor said softly, hoping Yuuri could hear the sympathy Victor truly felt. He'd seen Yuuri's anxiety before, but this felt different somehow. Maybe it had been building since China. Maybe since before then. 'We should go home. Maybe straight to bed. I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning. You must be tired.'

Suddenly Victor was shoved back and Yuuri was gone, skating to the exit and stepping off the rink. There wasn't any panic in his movements, but he'd gotten quite the head start, vanishing through the doors to the locker room, leaving Victor bereft on the ice. Victor watched Yuuri's retreating back, feeling sick in his stomach. If it hadn't felt like a test before, it felt like one now. One Victor had failed.

Victor ran both hands through his hair. He needed a shower. Victor skated after Yuuri, who was gone by the time he made it to the lockers.

Yuuri was already home and in bed when Victor made it back to the onsen. Victor shed his long coat and shoes in the hallway, listening as Yuuri's mother said that Yuuri had told her that he wasn't well and asked Victor if there was anything she could do that wouldn't interfere with his training. Victor gave his most charming smile, cheeks hurting; 'He just needs rest, Hiroko-san.'

Victor climbed the stairs and made straight for Yuuri's room, plan being to say nothing and just crawl into bed with Yuuri. They could talk in the morning, if Yuuri wanted to. Victor would do whatever Yuuri wanted. Victor hoped the no-kissing rule would be lifted by morning, but he wasn't too optimistic. Yuuri had startled, for whatever reason, and startled badly. Hopefully it hadn't set them back too far, but even so, Victor was willing to retread as wmany steps as possible as long as he had Yuuri with him.

Victor pushed the stubborn, niggling fear that maybe Yuuri wouldn't want him to deep, deep down.

Victor stopped outside Yuuri's door, intentions suddenly fading away as the image of Yuuri's furious face came back to Victor's mind. Victor's hand hovered over the door handle, unsure of how to go forward. Instead of knocking, Victor placed his hand over the polished wood, leaning his weight up against it.

'Yuuri,' Victor called gently, looking at his fingers, tinted pink still with cold, as they splayed against the door. 'I know you're in there. You don't have to come out. Just know that-'

What?

'-I'm here,' Victor finished awkwardly. No sound came from behind the door. With any luck Yuuri was already asleep. Or maybe with even greater luck he was listening, and contemplating letting Victor in.

Yuuri didn't let Victor in. After a few minutes, Victor went away to his own room.

* * *

Victor hadn't been able to sleep.

Any time Victor found himself dozing, his mind raced along to the tune of _Eros_  and Yuuri's face flashed like a coin, starting Victor awake. Instead, Victor spent the hours rolling around on his bed, often disrupting a fast becoming impatient Makkachin, who eventually decided to abandon Victor's bed in favour of the small couch. Victor couldn't get the argument, if you could call it that, out of his head. It replayed over and over, and with every rerun Victor spotted another thing he could've handled better.

When his clock read 5:23AM, Victor heard movement outside his door. Stupidly, Victor hoped it was Yuuri, but the noise passed. It was more likely a guest ambling about. Victor flopped back onto the pillows, staring up at the panelled ceiling.

Over the years, Victor had been a pretty abysmal boyfriend to quite a few people. Not as many as the gossip rags had speculated, but enough for Victor to know that he wasn't nearly as communicative in a relationship as he was in skating. Not that it usually mattered, as Victor very rarely if ever found himself too concerned with preserving his status of 'boyfriend'. Skating had always come first.

Yuuri was different.

Yes, skating was still a major part of this relationship, too. But it wasn't like before, where Victor would gather inspiration and leave once it was spent. Now it was about someone else's skating, something Victor's life had never been about. Victor couldn't think of anyone more deserving of being tangled up in than Yuuri Katsuki. But as the months progressed, Victor had noticed himself that skating was beginning to take a back seat to his own feelings for Yuuri. Maybe that's what Yuuri had meant by boundaries the night before. Maybe Victor didn't give Yuuri enough credit for his maturity. Victor wasn't sure.

But Victor did know that for the first time in his life, being a boyfriend was something he was chasing with as much fervour as skating. Regardless of the consequences.

The alarm went off at 5:30AM, Victor getting up and grabbing his jumper off the floor from the night before. He needed to see Yuuri- he should be getting up about now as well for their run. Victor pulled on a pair of jeans, Makkachin rousing just to interfere with the process in demand of rubs. Victor acquiesced, considering bringing Makkachin along. But no- he didn't want to give Yuuri any distractions. They'd skip the run, go for a walk. Victor would listen to Yuuri, and Yuuri would listen to Victor, too. Victor would try to understand and hopefully Yuuri would understand Victor's feelings, as well.

Victor would never do anything to endanger Yuuri's career, but he wasn't going to give up what they _could_ be either.

Down the hall, Victor stopped outside of Yuuri's room to find the door open and it empty. Victor blinked at the barren space for a few moments, taking in the shapes and shadows of the morning. Yuuri had left?

Resisting the urge to pull out his phone, Victor instead made his way down stairs. Yuuri was clearly still upset if he hadn't waited for Victor, so calling him was surely just going to make Yuuri more stubborn. Better to just go and find him in person. Victor knew he'd be at Ice Palace anyway. It was far too early on a Sunday morning for Minako to let Yuuri in. And Yuuko always let Yuuri in before opening hours started at six.

Decision made, Victor left for Ice Palace, wrapping a scarf he stole from Yuuri's room around his neck. It smelled like soap and tatami mats.

'Victor-chan!'

At the rink, Yuuko waved from behind the counter, her face warm as always. Her hair was up in the usual ponytail, but her jersey was a little rumpled. Clearly a manic morning, as always, in the Nishigori household. Victor brushed the stray snow from his hair, gloves coming away damp. He smiled back at her; 'Good morning, Yuuko! Are you well?'

'Ah, Vicchan! Have you no hat?' Yuuko teased, eyes on Viktor's hair. 'In this weather it would be wise. You'd think to be better dressed, are you not Russian?'

Victor laughed, moving towards the hallway, looking between Yuuko and the glass of the door. No sign of movement out on the ice from here. He pulled his gloves off as he walked, meeting Yuuko's gaze with a grin. 'Ha, this is merely spring to me! You Japanese are so soft, it's a miracle Yuuri made it to ice at all.'

'Well, he hasn't. At least, not this morning anyway,' Yuuko replied, her tone teasing. Victor paused at the door, turning to look back at her. A heavy feeling pooled in his stomach. Thick and churning.

'Yuuri is not here?' Victor asked, English squeaking slightly with his own accent as the words slipped into an emotion he couldn't help. Yuuko's smile dropped, brows furrowing.

'No, the place was empty when I came in and Yuuri has not been in to me yet,' she replied. Victor fidgeted with his gloves, looking back through the window to the rink. Feeling Yuuko's eyes on him, he shoved the gloves into his pocket. Yuuko gave him a small smile. 'He's probably just slept in, Victor-chan. You know how he is!'

'He's not home,' Victor said quickly, more to himself than Yuuko. 'He was gone when I woke up.'

Yuuko stayed silent to that, watching him with a slight tilt of her head. Victor caught the insinuation only after he had said it, and found himself uniquely perturbed by it. Strictly speaking such an assumption wouldn't exactly prove untrue. They had slept in the same bed multiple times. But they hadn't last night. And Yuuri's face from the evening before was so fresh in Victor's mind, his words still ringing in Victor's ears that thinking of someone being privy to such a fact had Victor feeling strangely self-conscious.

'Perhaps he went for a run?'

'It's not like Yuuri to just leave.' The unspoken 'me' sat at the end of the sentence like a weight, pulling Victor's mood down. Yuuko stood up straight behind the counter, biting her lip slightly.

'Did you- and forgive me, I know it's not my place to ask- but did something happen between you?' she asked, words tentative and eyes dropping. Victor saw a shocking resemblance to Yuuri in that moment- the Japanese were so awkward at times.

'I wouldn't say 'something'- but there was perhaps most definitely a ' _thing_ ',' Victor grumbled. Yuuko let out a small breath and Victor stiffened.

'I thought as much. I could hear you guys from here,' Yuuko said, face going a little pink at the admission. She held her hands up, waving them slightly. 'I didn't hear what you were saying or anything! But I thought I heard fighting.'

Victor bit the inside of his cheek, unhappy with Yuuko's eavesdropping even if couldn't have been helped.

'Maybe Yuuri just wanted some space? He probably went for a walk just outside the town. It's quiet there, not like the harbour walk. No distractions.' She smiled at Victor but he felt no comfort from it. Instead he felt a weirdly possessive anger- like Yuuko was rubbing it in his face how little he knew Yuuri. Like he didn't know that enough after last night. Yuuko's smile fell a little at Victor's silence. She tried to fill the quiet: 'It is awfully cold for a walk there though, the reservoir by the rice fields is likely frozen. I hope he dressed well.'

'Which way is it? To the reservoir?'

The heavy feeling in Victor's stomach swelled like a tide, feeling a cold bleed through him that had nothing to do with the weather. His hands balled in his pockets. Something wasn't right. He could feel it, deep in his bones. It was like magnets, somehow. Thoughts of Yuuri pulling Victor into shapes.

'I'll drive you. It'll be faster,' Yuuko said brightly, calling behind her in Japanese to Takashi, Victor assumed.

As they were getting into the car, Victor pulled his phone out of his pocket, finally giving into temptation. He called Yuuri, listened as the dial tone went on, and on, and on. Before finally the automated voicemail message answered for him. Victor groaned in frustration. This wasn't right.

The drive brought Victor through the southern part of Hasetsu, past fields and houses he hadn't even known were there. Turned out Hasetsu was deceptively large, sprawling from the harbour inland. It reminded him of the outskirts of St. Petersburg, houses grey and trees sparse. He thought of Yuuri alone in this place, letting his feet carry him so far from Victor. Victor's heart turned over in his chest like a page.

He needed to see Yuuri.

Yuuko pulled off the main road and down onto a country lane that ran along an expanse of water. The reservoir. Victor looked across its frozen surface. It looked like a sheet of glass, a dusty mirror's edge. He looked at the rooftops across from it, thinking over in his head what to say to Yuuri once he saw him.

He was considering _I'm sorry,_ but all his head kept repeating was _I love you._

Victor's thoughts were interrupted by Yuuko muttering something in Japanese, the car slowing down.

'What's happening?' she said aloud in English, stopping the car behind the short line of two or three other cars ahead of them at the turn of the lane, right by the raised banks of the reservoir. The lane was illuminated by the bright red lights of an ambulance, its doors open and people standing around. The dread Victor had felt before suddenly crystallised.

Victor got out of the car to Yuuko's protests, moving forward and slipping past people with ease. He was taller than most here, as usual, meaning he could see past the small crowd down the banks, where there was another group of people huddled. An arm reached out, stopping Victor from going further- a paramedic standing at the top of the small, beaten track down to the reservoir edge where the others were.

Panic was definitely beginning to set in. Victor grabbed the paramedic's arm tightly, causing the man to cry out: 'What's happening? Who's down there?!'

The paramedic replied in Japanese, other hand trying to soothe Victor who was now beginning to tremble. Yuuko appeared behind him, her hands reaching out and taking Victor by his waist.

'Victor, we don't know-'

'We don't not know either!' Victor cried out, glancing at her manically before turning to the paramedic again. But he was resolute, pushing Victor and Yuuko back towards the other people. 'He didn't answer his phone, Yuuko.'

'That doesn't mean something bad happened to him!' Yuuko replied, but Victor heard the edge in her voice. She was doubting, too. Victor took his phone out again and dialled the number. It rang out- again.

Victor, trying Yuuri again and holding the phone to his ear, grabbed the shoulder of a man standing next to him. Victor then pointed down at the bank. 'Do you know what happened?'

The man blinked at him for a moment, then started a sentence in weak English. He pointed as well, eyes wide: 'Man. Man in the water.'

Victor dropped his phone.

With a surge of energy, Victor bolted past the man, shoving past the paramedic and started stumbling down the bank. He could hear Yuuko call after him, heard her arguing with the paramedic in erratic Japanese. Victor's feet slipped on the snow, body sliding down but Victor managed to keep his balance. He reached the group of people- two more paramedics and two men, one wrapped in a foil blanket.

And on the ground was Yuuri- clothes soaked and skin blue.

Victor collapsed forward, a paramedic rising to her feet and catching him. ' _Soko yo yamete kudasai!_ '

'Yuuri!' Victor gasped, knees weak. He tumbled downwards, the medic falling with him.

'Sir, don't!' she cried in English, arms under Victor's shoulders.

Yuuri was blue, glasses gone and hair beginning to frost at the edges. The other paramedic was hunched over him, her hands together and pressing down on Yuuri's chest through another foil blanket. CPR, Victor thought distantly. But he couldn't stop staring at Yuuri's face. He looked dead. Victor had seen this before, back in Russia. When they were kids and thought themselves so brave. The kid from his memory had died. Blue, just like that. Dead in the snow.

'He's my- he's my friend,' Victor said, dazed, heart swollen too big like it threatened to fill his chest and drown him, too. 'That's Yuuri. What happened? He's cold! You need to take his wet coat off! The hypothermia-'

'Sir, please. We need you to step back. We'll look after your friend,' the paramedic pleaded, sitting Victor back on the snow. It soaked through Victor's jeans, but he could barely feel it.

One of the other bystanders had come over, leaving the man in the blanket, his arms strong around Victor's shoulders, holding him back as the paramedic disengaged, going back to Yuuri's side. Victor made to move after her, but the other man held Victor tight.

' _Net!_ Yuuri, _dorogoi_. Wake up!'

There was the blaring of another siren, and soon the third paramedic was down with a bag in hand. Victor couldn't see anymore, there were too many people in the way. He struggled against the man holding him, but he was strong and Victor couldn't concentrate, arms flailing. Victor's heart was racing, he could feel his whole body vibrate with it, shaking his bones. He couldn't reconcile the Yuuri he knew, blistering hot beneath his hands, with the frozen body on the snow. Couldn't understand how one could become the other.

Then there was movement. The paramedics stood, all three holding a stretcher with Yuuri on it. One had a hand squeezing a plastic mask over Yuuri's face. Victor had seen those before, on television. He didn't know what it meant. The last man in the foil blanket followed after them, shivering also. Victor just noticed that he was wet as well. The man holding him leant backwards, undoing Victor's sudden burst forward. He was saying something but Victor wasn't listening.

'What's happening? Where are they taking him?!' Victor screamed, the loudness surprising even him. Was that his voice?

'It will be okay!' the man said loudly in heavily accented English. But Victor didn't believe him. The cold was a terrible thing. It could kill so easily. Who's to say Yuuri wasn't dead already?

Victor watched as the paramedics climbed up the bank towards the ambulance, police officers clearing a way for them at the top. He couldn't see Yuuko, blinded by the flashing lights. Victor had never felt so helpless in his life. So impotent when Yuuri needed him most.

Then Yuuko made her way past a policeman. She clambered down the bank with little grace, falling once and her hand coming away with snow and dirt as it caught her. She fell to her knees in front of Victor, brown eyes burning like log fire.

'They're taking him to the hospital, Victor,' Yuuko said hurriedly, grabbing Victor's hands and pulling him up. The other man released Victor as she did, standing behind them. Yuuko thanked him, wrapping her arms around Victor just below his shoulders, as far up as she could reach. 'We need to leave now. To follow the ambulance.'

'He looked dead,' Victor whispered by Yuuko tutted over him.

'Bah! Don't say that! They're saving him, Victor!' Yuuko said, voice raising as they made their way back up towards the car. Policemen had the crowd pulled back, clearing the way for Yuuko's little Prius. She bundled Victor into the passenger side. When she was sat in the driver seat, she fumbled with the keys, muttering: 'Everything will be fine. People fall into the water all the time here!'

Victor wasn't listening. He was going to be sick. He was sure of it. Bile and fear were swirling inside him like oil on water, liquid and separate. Discordant. _Yuuri._ Victor opened the car door, retching out onto the road's pavement as Yuuko started the car.

'We can't fall apart, Victor!' Yuuko shouted as Victor pulled himself together, closing the car door. 'We just need to get to the hospital. What will Yuuri think when he sees you like this?!'

 _If_ he sees me like this, Victor thought desperately despite himself.

Yuuko kept the flashing ambulance in view as they sped down the lane, back out onto the main road. The siren was on. Victor had seen enough television to know it wasn't good if the siren was on. Yuuko was mumbling under her breath, fingers white against the steering wheel. The sun had risen truly now, sky frothing like steamed milk. Victor closed his eyes to it.

Yuuri had looked so still, so much smaller. Body shrunken with lifelessness. It bore down in Victor's mind like something poisonous taking root. He thought of their fight, their last conversation. Victor had been so foolish, too careful. Trying to control everything, trying to predict Yuuri's reactions. He should've gone with his instincts. He should've kissed Yuuri then. Kissed him until the tears stopped, until Yuuri knew.

'I love him,' Victor said aloud to Yuuko, frantic to let it out, say it out loud, to tell someone.

'I know you do,' Yuuko said quietly.

Victor opened his eyes to watch Hasetsu go past him, red light of the ambulance making everything seem that little bit more sinister. More other. Victor had never felt more foreign, more alien, in his entire life. Like he was some interloper, swanning into Yuuri's life, but not affecting it. Not saving it.

The world moved around them. _Yuuri will be okay,_ Victor thought almost hysterically. _He will be okay, and I'll tell him then. I'll tell him when he's okay._

The ambulance turned off its siren, throwing the road into silence

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> koytenok - kitten  
> baka - idiot  
> teper' - now  
> dorogoi - darling
> 
> I love that this story now had like 11,000 words. Any sensible writer would have it roughly 5,500 words per chapter. But not this asshole.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was delayed because my internet in my crummy Irish culchie town failed. My sincere apologies. 
> 
> In which Victor is so in love it is pathetic. Yurio agrees.

Apparently, the ice had already broken once and then frozen over again. That had made it weaker, but there was no way Yuuri could've known the danger. That's what Yuuko had said the police told her, but none of it made Victor feel any better. The other man from the banks had just been passing by in his car when he saw Yuuri fall through the ice. The police said the man had been very brave to go in after Yuuri, that he had put himself in great danger by fishing Yuuri out of the freezing water. The man was being treated for mild hypothermia now. Where he was, Victor and Yuuko did not know.

They were in the hospital waiting room, a small sqaure place with ugly green walls and peeling posters. Victor could draw the characters from memory, he had been staring at them so long.

'Accidents happen all the time,' Yuuko said, rubbing Victor's arm slowly. Victor couldn't feel it, isolated in his own thoughts as images of Yuuri's blue lips crossed his mind. 'Yuuri will be fine. He has to be fine.'

Victor didn't answer, instead finally looking away from the posters to stare down at his own hands. They looked ugly to him, cuticles peeling and knuckles dry with the cold. It had been over an hour, clock in the far corner of the room ticking loudly down every second of it.

They hadn't heard anything since they had arrived, and everyone was speaking Japanese. Yuuri's family had arrived pretty quickly- Victor assumed the police must've called them. No one said anything to Victor, instead Hiroko spoke only to the nurse that had guided them away to a special room for families. The nurse sent Victor and Yuuko to the waiting room, alone. Victor was always last to know everything, Yuuko being the only one taking time to translate. All he knew was that Yuuri was in intensive care, that when he had come in his heart wasn't beating-

Panic surged again and Victor fell a little forward, stomach clenching. Yuuko tried shushing him, both hands now rubbing his shoulders. Victor felt he would explode with it all- the impending grief, the fear and the stupid, silly, insane hope that Yuuri might still be okay.

'He was so stupid,' Victor said quietly, more to himself than anything. Anger pooled in his stomach, coiling and molten. 'Yuuri's lived here his whole life, he should've known better.'

'We've all done it,' Yuuko said sadly.  
  
'What is wrong with you?!' Victor snapped, startling Yuuko off him. He glared at her. 'In Russia we know better! This would never happen!'  
  
'Well, you're not in Russia now!' Yuuko threw back at him, face stubborn and red. 'You're here in Hasetsu and you need to pull yourself together! Yuuri's my friend, too. I've known him a long time, longer than you and I know him better, too. You're not the only one suffering right now, Victor-chan.'

Victor didn't know what to say, mouth tightly closed and fingers clenched. He couldn't bring himself to feel bad, not properly. Everything was still so raw that Yuuko's frustration did very little to penetrate the wall of emotion Victor had building inside him. But Victor willed himself to be calm, to remember that none of this was Yuuko's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but Yuuri's. Stupid, gorgeous, dead Yuuri.  
  
_No,_ Victor thought. Not dead, not yet.  
  
The clock had just ticked past their second hour of waiting when the door of the waiting room opened. It was Mari and she looked terrible, hair sticking up in a lopsided hairband with the smell of cigarettes following her into the room. Victor stood up and almost ran into her as she walked in, his hands gripping her shoulders.  
  
'What's happening? Where's Yuuri?' Victor asked, not recognising his own voice. His accent was thicker now, w's narrowing down to v's; he could hear it himself. Mari blinked at him for a moment in the wake of it before she answered.  
  
'Yuuri is safe,' she said, her whole body crumbling a bit as if keeping the knowledge in had been the only thing holding her up. Mari reached in her pockets and fumbled with whatever was in them. 'The doctors got him breathing and his heart going again. He's not awake, not yet. They're not sure if there's been any damage- you know, to his brain, from being under the water for so long.'  
  
Relief. It felt like falling, like the floor had given out under Victor's feet. Gravity- enormous and cosmic around him and the world feeling so much heavier. So much more real. Like waking up from a terrible, terrible nightmare. _Yuuri was alive._  
  
'When can I see him?' Victor asked, desperate.  
  
Mari clicked her tongue. 'Mom and Dad are with him now. I don't think he can have other visitors yet.'  
  
'Then I'll wait,' Victor said, stepping back and using his full height. He looked down at Mari who looked back up at him. Victor never thought that Yuuri and Mari looked all that alike as siblings, but now when he looked into Mari's eyes he saw Yuuri looking back at him. It made his heart lose it's breath. Mari moved her gaze past Victor, to Yuuko.  
  
'We're not sure how long it will be before Yuuri's allowed visitors. You should go home, Yuuko-chan. Your family must be waiting for you.'  
  
Yuuko replied in Japanese, and from the way both she and Mari kept glancing at Victor he suspected that he might be somewhat a topic. But Victor didn't care what they were saying. None of it mattered. Yuuri was _alive_ , he was safe and breathing somewhere. The sooner Victor got to see Yuuri the sooner he could let the phantom grief for what _could've been_ go. Like draining poison from a wound.  
  
'Victor-chan, I'm going to go home. I'll come by and see Yuuri tomorrow,' Yuuko said, reaching out and pulling Victor into a hug. He returned it loosely, glad of her comfort but impatient for things to move along so he could see Yuuri. She took somthing out of her pocket and handed it to Victor. 'Your phone. I forgot I had it, you dropped it before.'  
  
'Thank you,' Victor said genuinely. Yuuko gave him a tired smile. 'And thank you, for waiting with me.'  
  
'Of course. He's our friend,' Yuuko said, before taking her coat up from the seat and leaving Victor and Mari alone.  
  
For a few moments, Victor thought Mari might leave him. Go back and sit with Yuuri, because she was allowed and Victor wasn't and it was all so unfair. But instead, Mari sighed loudly and grabbed Victor's arm, pulling him out of the door and down the hall. They walked in silence until they made it to a smoking balcony. 

It was cold outside, snow drifting idly now so late in the afternoon. Victor had worn his coat in the waiting room and felt the affect of it now, rubbing his own shoulders to keep warm.  
  
Mari took out her box of cigarettes, taking one in her mouth before tilting it towards Victor. Victor opened his mouth to refuse, to say he didn't smoke, but then thought better of it. He pulled a cigarette out, waiting patiently while Mari lit hers and then Victor's. They smoked in silence for a few seconds.  
  
'Yuuri's an idiot,' Mari said at last, blowing out one long stream of smoke. Victor rolled his cigarette between his fingers, watching the ash crumble at the end. 'We always told him never to skate there. Ever since he was a kid.'  
  
'Yuuri can be,' Victor paused, trying to decide on a word. 'Stubborn.'  
  
'Stubborn, bah! That child is like a donkey,' Mari said, words trembling and she took another drag.  
  
'My coach used to say that about me,' Victor replied, feeling the first inklings of a smile for the first time in hours at the memory of Yakov. At the thought of he and Yuuri being similar.  
  
'Mmm, you two suit each other,' Mari said thoughtfully, speaking smoke.  
  
Victor's smile vanished as he took a drag of his own cigarette. His mouth filled with it. 'This is my fault. I was why Yuuri was all the way out there. I should never have let him go.'  
  
'Don't do that. Blame yourself,' Mari said, dropping her spent cigarette and immediately taking out another one and lighting it. She spoke her words around it in her mouth; 'If he was dead, I could blame you then. But the fool's alive, so we can blame him properly like we should.'  
  
Victor breathed out smoke, watching it mix with the snow. He thought of Yuuri's smile, of how Yuuri's arms felt when they hugged Victor- tight, and warm and brimming with energy. For hours, Victor had feared he'd never have those things again. Now, the future revealed itself to him tentatively. A future with Yuuri in it. 

Victor imagined long mornings in bed. He thought of afternoons spent skating, for fun maybe instead of practice. He pictured Yuuri's face, smiling bright and open. Victor didn't see a single day ahead of him with Yuuri not part of it. Victor didn't want a single day with Yuuri not in it.

'I'm not leaving him,' Victor said, as it was true and seemed like a thing Yuuri's sister should know. Mari scoffed, spitting smoke across the snow.  
  
'Yuuri used to write _Yuuri_ _Nikiforov_ in his notebook when he was a kid. We've accepted we're stuck with you, don't worry.'

Victor laughed, out loud and proper, scattering ash from his ciagrette. Mari laughed, too. Relief was funny like that.

* * *

Later, Hiroko had come to find them as they drank coffee in the canteen. Yuuri was awake. She barely had the room number out of her mouth before Victor was gone, abandoning his coat, Mari and anything that wasn't getting to Yuuri as fast as possible. When Victor made it to the door of the Yuuri's room, he realised he had been running; breath uneven. Strangely self-conscious, Victor ran a hand through his hair, trying to tame the mess of his fringe, before taking a deep breath and walking in.

The room was small and dark, the only light being the lamp at Yuuri's bed. And in the bed was Yuuri. Any semblance of calm Victor had tried to give off evaporated at the sight of Yuuri. Yuuri was lying down in a hospital gown, blankets pulled up around him in a tight bunch. He had two long wires coming from his left arm, one clear and one Victor didn't want to focus on. Yuuri was ghost-white, as pale as the sheets beneath him and his messy black hair sticking up in awful angles. Yuuri looked asleep at first, but he opened his eyes to look at Victor from across the room.

_Yuuri._

Before Victor could say anything, Yuuri spoke, his voice raspy like he had a cold; 'I hope you're Victor, but if you're not, I'm sorry. I still don't have any glasses.'

Victor started moving before Yuuri could say anything else. Victor felt like he was being pulled across the room, pulled forward by the magnetism that always drew him. Deep, polar and natural, pulling Victor towards Yuuri like the turn of the earth. He needed to be close, to feel the heat of Yuuri's skin, see the light in eyes. Banish the image of Yuuri's cold body on the snow from his memory forever.

Yuuri looked up at Victor as he made it to the side of the bed, big beautiful brown eyes staring weakly up from the pillow. Victor's heart stopped as they made eye-contact, his hands gripping the railing of the bed to stop them from grabbing at Yuuri and possibly hurting him. Yuuri smiled, sleepy and gorgeous.

'It is you.'

Victor released a breath, long and stuttering. Resolve broke and Victor pushed the railing down, moving to climb onto the bed. He knew it wasn't allowed, but he couldn't help himself any longer. Yuuri gasped softly as Victor lay down next to him, toes to toes and head to head. Victor listened to his own breathing, shaking and pouring out of him like water. He still hadn't said anything. Victor was a mess. One hand buried itself in Yuuri's hair, pulling his head beneath Victor's chin. The other slipped down, Victor too far up the bed to reach Yuuri's hand so settling for his wrist instead. Victor felt Yuuri's heart beat beneath his fingertips. _Alive, alive, alive._

'You're in my bed,' Yuuri said, almost a whisper against Victor's adam's apple. Victor swallowed thickly, afraid of what he might say. 'It's nice.'

Victor's heart broke. Love blossomed through him, raking and terrible and threatening to collapse him. Victor's arms moved, one beneath Yuuri's body and one across, pulling Yuuri flush into him, like Victor might be his second skin. Impenetrable. Yuuri made a small noise at the closeness, but his body was loose. He melted into Victor like it was the most natural thing in the world.

'You scared me,' Victor said, eyes staring across the bed at the hideous blue privacy curtain.

'I'm sorry,' Yuuri said and he sounded like he meant it. Every word heavy. 

'If you think you're ever allowed anywhere near the ice again without your coach to supervise you, think again,' Victor replied, feeling what could be a smile tug at his mouth. Yuuri breathed out a laugh and the smile turned genuine.

'Okay. That's fair,' Yuuri said, moving away to look up at Victor. He had bags under his eyes, chapped lips. Victor wanted to kiss him so hard he couldn't breathe with it, wanted to be Yuuri's breath for him. Yuuri's eyebrows came together a little. 'You smell like cigarettes.'

'Mari gave me one.'

'I didn't know you smoked.'

'I don't, but I made an exception today.'

Yuuri nodded carefully, one hand coming up from the bed to touch Victor's face. 'I'm so happy to see you, Victor. Even if you're crying.'

Victor put a hand to his face, ghosting Yuuri's fingers on the way. He was indeed crying. Victor shrugged it off, chuckling quietly. Effortlessly shifting the emotion away. 'Well, in my defence, my protégé did nearly drown himself. I think I can be forgiven for being a bit emotional. Terrible waste to give up my skating career for a man stupid enough to skate on a reservoir and then fall through it.'

Yuuri bit his bottom lip, looking very tired and eyes dark with it. 'It was a pretty stupid thing to do.'

'Unbelievably stupid,' Victor hushed out, the reality of the situation threatening to burst the bubbling joy and relief he felt at having Yuuri wrapped up in his arms. 'You'll have to make it up to me with at least a hundred quad flips.'

And at least a hundred more kisses.

Yuuri moved back under Victor's chin, his hand holding Victor's arm. His breathing was hot against Victor's neck. Victor let out a long, shaky breath, tightening his grip on Yuuri. He smelled Yuuri's hair, which was sweet and acrid with the scent of the hospital. Victor decided he would wash it for him when they got home. 

He tried not to think about how close Yuuri had come. Tried not think about the bruising Yuuri no doubt had from the CPR. Yuuri fidgeted beneath Victor, fingers tugging at the scarf Victor was still wearing.

'Is this mine?'

'It may or may not be yours.'

'Can you stay?' Yuuri asked from Victor's arms, sleep evidently coming for him as he sounded sluggish. Victor pressed a kiss to the top of Yuuri's head.

'If you think I'm ever leaving you alone again, then you underestimate me terribly.'

Yuuri laughed, burying his face into Victor's neck. Victor spoke into Yuuri's hair, voice quiet.

' _Ya lyublyu teyba,'_ he said.

'Hmm?'

'Shush, sleep.'

* * *

 

Victor was ushered out by a very unhappy nurse. She was blushing the entire time, but it did nothing to undo the grumpiness at Victor's indescretion. Her English wasn't nearly as good as Yuuri's, but Victor got the idea from her blustering and manhandling of him. Victor squeezed Yuuri's hand before he was kicked out, promising to be back the moment the nurse was finished.

Now outside in the hospital hallway, Victor walked in small, tight circles, unsure of what to do with himself while he waited. Yuuri's family were probably still in the canteen, he could join them. But the thought of being too far from Yuuri made Victor feel queasy.

Instead, Victor pulled his phone out, near-surprised to see it. In all the confusion, he had forgotten Yuuko had returned it to him. Everything else had been pushed so far to the back of his mind. He opened it, unleashing the tirade of messages. Victor ignored most of the missed calls from Yakov, hesistant to engage with Yakov's no doubt chastising tone. Victor highly doubted he'd get open sympathy and he wasn't sure he was up for bantering through Yakov's bluster before he got any compassion. Victor did open his nine message full folder of texts from Yuri Plisetsky though;  
  
_(9) Сообщения- Yuri Plisetky_

 **7:53AM** _старикашка! Я видел эту новость на Twitter._ (Geezer! I saw the news on Twitter).

 **7:53AM** _What's piggy's siutation?_

 **7:55AM** _Is piggy dropping out of the season? He probably just got scared and did this as a justification_

 **8:07AM** _Twitter says he's in critical is it true?_

 **9:01AM** _I saw that photo of you. Don't look so weak! Katsudon needs you._

 **9:33AM** _Говнюк!_ (Shithead).

 **10:05AM** _Fucking dramatic._

 **10:06AM** _Answer your phone._

 **10:16AM** _If Katsuki dies I'll never forigve you._

The tears that came and went from Victor all day made a wobbly return at the sight of Yuri's frantic texts, English slipping with emotion. It touched Victor's heart to see such love for Yuuri. Made his premature grief, still circling inside him, feel less huge. Victor bit his lip as he re-read the messages. What photo? What news? Victor assumed his many social media alerts were related to whatever Yuri was talking about, but Victor couldn't find it in himself to face any of it yet. He just wanted to be back with Yuuri. He scrolled aimlessly through the alerts- but one name stood out, a missed Skype call.

_Недавний: Пропущенный звонок – chu+phichit_

Victor had forgotten Phichit had added him. Taking a moment to gather himself, Victor hit the call back, holding the phone up to his face. Skype only rang out twice before Phichit answered, already speaking before the connection caught up with him. Victor watched Phichit's brown face move and twitch as the audio caught up.

'-didn't know what else to do! Yuuri's phone isn't working, or dead, or something! No one knows anything! Where is he?' Phichit was distressed, Victor could see. It didn't take long to adjust to Phichit's accent, despite how upset he was. His English was American, like Yuuri's. Neutral enough. 'Where are you? Are you in hospital? Is Yuuri okay?'

'He's awake. He's alive,' Victor said, and then shuts up. He meant to say Yuuri was fine. Phichit's face paled.

' _Alive?_ He could've died?!' Victor recognised this panic. He couldn't imagine how he would be if he was as far from Yuuri as Phichit was in Thailand. Phichit shook his head as if to shake the fear off himself. His dark eyes met Victor's through the camera, intense and burning like smoke. 'Show me him. Let me speak to him, where is he?'

Phichit moved his head around as if he could somehow see around Victor. Victor sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, exhausted but somehow comforted by Phichit's now needless panic. Like Victor had already weathered the storm and could now lead others safely through.

'Yuuri's with a nurse. He's resting,' Victor said, feeling true sympathy that he could not give Phichit over to Yuuri immediately. 'I'm not sure where his phone is, but I'll have him call you on mine when he's up for it.'

Phichit considered this for a moment before speaking again, worry still flaming like a candle in his eyes. 'What happened, Victor? I only saw the article ISU shared, and it was only half-translated into English! My Japanese is really bad.'

Phichit said this like it was the most cardinal sin he had ever committed.

'What article?'

'The one the ISU shared. From that Japanese announcer,' Phichit said frowning. 'I'll send it to you now.'

Victor watched as Phichit moved his phone down to type the message without ending the call. Watched the little notificaiton come down at the top of his phone. Phichit moved the phone back, looking at Victor with his panicked face softening a little bit through the screen.

'So, what did happen?'

'Yuuri had an accident. He fell into a reservoir,' Victor replied causing Phichit's cheeks to heat up, Victor's large, expensive phone showing him.

'I know that! But how? What was Yuuri even doing out on a reservoir?!' Phichit half shouted, Victor turning the volume down on his phone.

'I don't know what he was thinking, Phichit,' Victor said honestly. He thought about telling Phichit everything for a brief moment, but decided against it. He didn't know Phichit that well, despite him being Yuuri's best-friend. Victor wasn't sure he was ready to share so much of his and Yuuri's personal issues. 'Yuuri was skating-'

'Yuuri's an idiot!' Phichit said manically, swinging his phone for a moment causing the screen to blur as it showed Victor the walls of Phichit's bedroom. 'Even in Detroit they told us to never skate on the river. Honestly, what was he thinking? Doesn't he have a perfectly good rink in Hasetsu?! Tell Yuuri I'm glad he isn't dead, because I will kill him myself when I get to him.'

Victor laughed, giving Phichit a fright going by the squeaking noise he made. The laughter triggered an emotional waterfall in Victor and he felt some of it leak out of his eyes in hot tears. 'You should. I don't think Yuuri's scared of me enough. Maybe I'm too soft on him.'

'He's your boyfriend, of course you're too soft on him,' Phichit said, politely ignoring Victor's mild breakdown and smiling kindly at him through the screen. Victor felt his heart stop a little.

'Did Yuuri call me that?'

'I think you called yourself that by kissing him on live international television last week,' Phichit teased with good nature, his smile genuine. Victor smiled back, feeling lighter. 'But yes, Yuuri also called you that.'

Victor now felt so light that he could float off the floor. He wiped his face, clearing the tears. 'Thank you, Phichit. For calling. I know it'll mean the world to Yuuri.'

'Make sure he calls me. It doesn't even have to be Skype! Espeically if he looks as bad as you do,' Phichit said, smiling but his tone was a little off. Victor understood, he wanted to speak to Yuuri as possible. Phichit fidgeted for a moment. 'You have to go, don't you?'

'I probably should. Check in on Yuuri's family. Let the rest of the world know that while a momumental idiot, Yuuri Katsuki is not dead,' Victor said, the words sounding less terrifying every moment Yuuri stayed indeed not dead.

'I understand. Just have him call me, okay?'

'Of course,' Victor promised.

He ended the call and leant back against the wall. He took a few moments, breathing deeply and pushing his fringe back in an attempt to look a little more put together. 

He looked down at his phone, opening the message Phichit had sent him. It was a link to the article, which Victor half-considered ignoring but curiosity got the better of him. The article was a rough translation, English a bit sloppy. But Victor felt anger rise up in him, staring at picture of himself from hours ago. The photo had clearly come from a cellphone, slightly blurred. It was of Victor and Yuuri's family in the hallway of the hospital. The Katsuki's had their back to whoever took the photo, but Victor was in full view. Victor stared at the image of himself, shocked at the level of emotion he had displayed. He had looked hysterical. The text of the article hadn't done much to make the photo look any better. Victor was referred to as 'Katsuki's panicking lover', references made to his anger at the hospital staff. It really wasn't a good example of Victor.

Victor sank down to the floor. No wonder Yuri had gotten so angry at him. He shouldn't have fallen apart. Victor was Yuuri's _coach_ first. Or he should be.

Victor really couldn't put it off, it wouldn't be fair. No, he had to do it. Yurio next. Victor brought up Yuri's number, almost Facetiming before thinking better of it. While Phichit might be considerate, Yuri most certainly would not be. And even then, Victor didn't want Yuri to see him like this.

He hit call and waited. Victor didn't have to wait long.

' _Bliad'!_ What happened? Is Katsuki with you?' Victor said nothing about Yurio's swearing, which was awful, instead getting straight into it knowing that Yuri would appreciate that best.

Victor echoed Yuri's English; 'Yuuri is fine. They said he should make a full recovery. But he'll have to take it easy over the next few weeks, something about his brain-'

'What about Russia? Will he skate?' Yuri said, trying to sound gruff but Victor could hear the worry underneath. He'd known Yuri Plisetsky since he was a child. He knew what Yuri was really asking.

'I don't know. I'm not even sure what he needs to do to get better. Not entirely sure what's wrong with him,' Victor answered truthfully.

' _Oi!_ What kind of coach are you?' Yuri asked angrily.

'A bad one,' Victor said, voice trembling and betraying his true emotion.

'Hey, are you crying?'

'... No.'

Victor was crying.

'Don't fucking cry!' Yuri cried down the phone. 'It's no good if you're both cry-babies. One of you needs to keep their shit together.'

'That is really poor English, Yurio,' Victor chastised. Yuri grumbled on the other end of the line in Russian. Victor thought for a moment. 'Wait, why are you even awake? You must've been up for hours now! What are you doing?'

'None of your business, _mudak,'_ Yuri said grumpily. 'I have training at seven anyway. But forget that! Where is the katsudon? I want to speak to him!'

'Yuuri is resting,' Victor said, waving a passing nurse off as she stopped to enquire if Victor was well sitting on the floor. 'A nurse is with him right now. I'm waiting outside.'

Yuri didn't say anything for a while. Victor watched patients and visitors amble by in the hall, wondering about Yuuri. Was he still awake? What was the nurse doing that took so long? What if something was wrong? Who would tell him? Victor tried to contain his anxiety, tried not to think about how small and frail Yuuri had looked in the hospital bed. Victor thought of the other Katsukis', wondered if they were well. He should go check in with them soon. It was only right.

 _'Chto eto znachit dlya yego katanii?'_ Yuri asked softly. Victor felt something uncoil inside him at the Russian. It was comforting, to hear the familiar words. But Victor stuck with English, his and Yuuri's language. 

He wanted to be close to Yuuri, in every way he could manage at this time.

'I don't know, Yura. I don't know anything. I'm just sitting here, waiting. No one tells me anything, because I'm not family. If it wasn't for Yuuri's mother I wouldn't have been allowed to even stay here,' Victor said, words speeding up the more he spoke. He leant his head in one of his hands, gritting his teeth against the surging emotion as another wave rolled through him. _'_ _Ya bespolezen._ Do you know it was my fault he was out there on that ice in the first place? Yuuri derserves better. A better coach, a better-'

Victor stopped, unsure of what he was going to say.

Yuri had been listening patiently, but now he tsked irritably at the other end of the call; _'Ne byt' dramatichnymi!_ Katsuki doesn't want anyone else, he wants you. For some stupid reason.'

'I think I'm in love with him,' Victor confessed though he knew it already to be true. But telling Yuri, in English, with full knowledge that Yuri would understand felt different to telling Yuuri behind the safety of a language barrier. Telling Yuri Plisetsky, his quite probable successor, was like admitting something. A specific kind of defeat, maybe.

'Like that surprises anyone,' Yuri said with so much sarcasm that Victor was actually impressed Yuri managed it through his second language. 'You're disgusting. How can you be sure the katsudon likes you back though? He only had, like, a million posters of you in his bedroom.'

'He did?'

'And you're very annoying,' Yuri continued, like Victor hadn't spoken. 'Like does Katsudon even know how much of a slob you are? You never shower after practice, there's always dog hair on your shit-'

'Alright, _dostatochno!'_ Victor said, the door of Yuuri's room opening at that moment. 

Victor leapt to his feet. 'I have to go, Yura.'

'Oi, oi. I get it,' Yuri said. 'Just- don't fuck it up, old man.'

'You know, you really shouldn't swear, Yurio.'

Victor ended the call as Yuri spat down the line about the use of his nickname. The nurse gave Victor a cold look before tilting her head tersely backwards in the direction of Yuuri. 'You can go back now.'

Victor bowed courteously to her before slipping past and back into the room. Yuuri was sitting up on the bed now, propped up by pillows. He looked at Victor through heavy lidded eyes, but his smile was genuine and bright from across the room. One of his wires had been removed from his arm. Victor let Yuuri's smile carry him forward, this time opting for the chair next to the bed. He reached out and took Yuuri's hand in his own.

'Yuuri,' Victor said his name, simply because he could and it felt good to do so. Yuuri blinked down at him sleepily. 'How are you?'

'Fine. Tired,' Yuuri replied, leaning back on his pillows. His fingers locked between Victor's, linking them together. 'I'm glad you're back.'

'Me too, though I feared for my life after that nurse caught me,' Victor said, eyes down and looking at their interlocked fingers. This wasn't the first time they had held hands. Victor hoped perhaps a little desperately that they'd hold hands every day for the rest of their lives.

Yuuri laughed softly. 'Yeah, she wasn't very happy.'

'What did she say? What's wrong with you?' Victor asked, trying to temper the concern in his voice. Yuuri closed his eyes.  
  
'I'm on antibiotics, in case of anything I might catch from the water I inhaled. And I have to be careful not to overexert myself, as I might put strain on my heart.' Yuuri opened his eyes lazily to look at Victor. 'But it should all be fine.'

Victor thought that all sounded anything but fine.

Tightening his grip on Yuuri's hand, Victor pulled it up and held it to his lips. 'You don't get to quit on me, Yuuri Katsuki. Ever. You understand?

The words came out much sterner than Victor had hoped they would, but in a way he was glad. Yuuri looked a little nervous under his palour, meaning he was taking Victor's word to heart. A heart that was mercifully still beating, but evidently still recovering. Victor could entrust no one better than himself to keep it so.

'Okay.'

* * *

 

Yuuri was allowed to return home after five days. Hiroko and Toshiya hovered around Yuuri the entire stay in the hospital and lead up to coming home, barely giving Victor a chance to have Yuuri to himself. They even had Victor wait at the onsen instead of joining them to pick Yuuri up from the hospital, with no one but Mari and Makkachin for company. Victor had tried to play off his frustration, but Mari had seen right through it, telling him to stand in the hall and be jittery out there so she wouldn't have to look at it. Victor felt a little guilty- after all, Yuuri was Mari's brother. But the anxiety to see Yuuri, to have him near was too great. When the car finally pulled into the onsen's driveway, gravel crunching and engine rumbling, Victor was moving before it had even stopped.

Yuuri opened the car door to meet Victor, who immediately grasped Yuuri's hand to help him out of the backseat. Yuuri smiled up at Victor from behind new glasses. The rims weren't as thick as his old ones, lens open. Victor wasn't sure he liked them.

'Victor,' Yuuri breathed, his arms wrapping around Victor's waist like a belt. Victor returned the gesture earnestly, fingers splayed across Yuuri's back. 'You didn't have to wait for me for like this.'

'Of course I did. I'm your coach,' Victor said, pulling back to look at Yuuri's face. Something crossed Yuuri's features, but it was gone in a moment, Yuuri smiling slightly up at him. Victor frowned- Yuuri still looked very pale. Victor wondered if he'd ever get the image of Yuuri's blue skin out of his head. It stuck in his nightmares, every night since Yuuri had fell.

'Take me inside, it's cold out here,' Yuuri asked as his parents exited the car, Toshiya coming up behind them and Hiroko ushering Yuuri into the house with quiet but hurried Japanese. Victor obliged, one arm around Yuuri's waist the entire time though it seemed Yuuri hardly needed it.

Once inside, Yuuri was sent to his room. Hiroko gave Victor a knowing smile, telling him to bring Yuuri upstairs and to make sure he was tucked in safely. Victor could've kissed her in that moment. Instead, Victor brought Yuuri up the stairs, holding his hand as Yuuri had shrugged his arms off due the awkwardness. They walked in silence, all the way up the stairs and down the panelled hallway, finally coming to Yuuri's room where the bed was freshly made and Makkachin sat on the floor expectantly. He barked cheerily, leaping to his feet to paw at Yuuri's knees.

'Makkachin!' Victor scolded to no avail, as Yuuri bent low to shower the dog in affection. Really, Yuuri spoiled that poodle too much. Victor knew about the extra chicken Yuuri slipped him from under the table at dinner. 'Looks like you were dearly missed, Yuuri.'

'Not just by Makkachin, I hope,' Yuuri replied, looking up at Victor with dark eyes and if Victor didn't know any better, he'd say Yuuri was flirting with him. But Victor did know better. And what he knew was Yuuri Katsuki had just suffered a traumatic event and was currently on heavy-duty medication for chest pain.

Victor pulled Yuuri up and guided him to the bed, lying him down on it's soft surface. Yuuri melted into the comforter, a look of pure bliss on his face. Victor had rather envisioned laying Yuuri down across a bed very differently in all their time before. It wasn't exactly what he had had in mind, but given the circumstances, it would have to do. Yuuri had traveled from the hospital in his pajamas so all Victor had to do was slip the covers over him. He tucked Yuuri into the far side of the bed, taking his glasses and putting them on the dresser before he kicked off his shoes and lay on the bed next to him. A perfect echo of their hospital date- only better, as this time Yuuri was definitely not dying and Victor wasn't going to get kicked out any time soon.

He hoped.

For a while, Victor just lay there and watched Yuuri as he turned to face Victor, eyes drifting slightly due to the medication no doubt. Then Yuuri frowned, eyes focused on Victor's lips. Victor licked them self-consciously, which clearly spurred Yuuri into action as he looked up with purpose, eyes still dark and sensual and brown and _alive_.

(The mantra that Yuuri was alive hadn't left Victor's head in days).

'Do you not want to kiss me anymore?' Yuuri asked quietly, his face deceptively blank.

'What?' Victor was surprised. Of all the things he had expected, that question had most certainly not been one of them. He reached out, cupping Yuuri's face as he sighed at the touch, moving his lips against Victor's palm. 'Why would you ask that?'

'You haven't kissed me yet,' Yuuri murmured into Victor's hand, eyes no longer on Victor. Victor applied some pressure, turning Yuuri back up to him. 'You haven't kissed me since before Sunday. Not properly. Not since our fight.'

Victor felt his heart clench at the mention of the argument. Such a stupid thing for Victor to have let happen. He should've controlled the situation better. Maybe if he had, none of this would've happened. Victor's instinct was to lean forward and kiss Yuuri's doubts away, but Yuuri's own words from the Cup of China came back to his brain. This could be one of those delicate situations. Like the Cup of China, like Sunday at Ice Palace- if Yuuri was teetering, Victor had to be careful not to push him over. He had to lure him back.

'I didn't want to push you,' Victor said honestly. Yuuri's frown got a little deeper, just between his eyebrows. Victor rubbed his thumb across Yuuri's cheek. 'You had already suffered so much. But please know, that I've wanted to do nothing but kiss you. I've been going mad with the thought of it. You scared me so much, Yuuri. When I saw you on the snow, I thought I would die.'

Victor kept his voice even, but something must've given him away as Yuuri's eyes widened a little bit and suddenly he was moving forward, pushing Victor almost on his back as Yuuri crashed their lips together in a rough kiss.

Any thought Victor had of controlling the situation went well and truly out the window.

It was like an explosion in Victor's mind, reducing his body to natural instinct as he closed his eyes. Yuuri's lips were so hard and his breath so hot against Victor's mouth that everything just went tumbling forward. _Yuuri felt so alive._ Yuuri's hands were in Victor's hair, gripping and anchoring Yuuri as his body grinded up against Victor's. Victor took the hint gladly, wrapping his arms around Yuuri, one straight down to his ass and grabbing. Yuuri gasped into Victor's mouth, tongue exposed and Victor took it into his mouth, swallowing Yuuri's groan of consent.

If Victor had thought Yuuri was like a volcano before- then now he was erupting and Victor was drowning in red, molten heat. It was luscious and thick between them, Yuuri's tongue laving into Victor's mouth filthily and Victor pulling Yuuri against him. He could feel Yuuri's arousal against his thigh and the pooling want deep in his stomach rolled around deliciously in return. Victor wanted Yuuri more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. They were going further and faster than they ever had before and Victor felt like he was falling in love all over again.

' _Nngh, Vic-tor,'_ Yuuri moaned, words barely out before he was kissing Victor again and Victor wanted Yuuri to say his name like that for the rest of their lives. Yuuri's hands trailed down Victor's neck, tugging at the hem of his t-shirt impatiently as he rolled his hips forward, hard cock rubbing so sinfully against Victor's body. Victor growled, hips bucking up against Yuuri roughly, taking one of Yuuri's lips between his teeth.

'Oh, _Yuuri~_ ,' Victor sighed, releasing Yuuri's bottom lip that he had been sucking to move downwards, pushing into the space where neck met jaw.

He bit down on the skin there, starting to suck and delighting in Yuuri's deep, guttural noise of approval. Who knew Yuuri was even able of such a raw, sexual thing? Victor wanted to squeeze every moan Yuuri was capable of giving out of him. Victor pulled away to admire the reddening mark, pretty obvious to anyone who even glanced at him. Possessiveness was always a folly of Victor's, and nothing inspired it more than Yuuri Katsuki.

Yuuri Katsuki, his prime student. Yuuri Katsuki, who was the embodiment of _Eros_ as he leant forward across Victor's body, mouth coming back to tug at Victor's lips like he craved nothing more than to drown in them. Yuuri Katsuki, who was on heavy medication right now. Who did in fact, almost drown proper only five short days ago. His body fragile, freezing and his face so, so blue-

Victor gasped at the memory, Yuuri's lips moving down to Victor's chin, then his jaw, lower as his body pressed down onto Victor's, their groins _almost_ meeting but not quite and Victor could see Yuuri's chest from where his pajamas were draping, a big, hideous, violent bruise staring back up at him.

'Yuuri, wait-'

Yuuri froze immediately, body tensing. Victor held onto him tighter, knowing what to expect this time. Victor was panting, his hips still languidly shifting beneath Yuuri's and it took an enormous amount of self-control to stop them. Yuuri's weight was rigid above him, anxiety clearly beginning to grip him. Victor looked into Yuuri's shining eyes, bright and igneous. But his downturned mouth gave away his worry. Victor leant up, kissing Yuuri deeply, forcing his tongue past Yuuri's lips and licking his teeth. Victor gave one final thrust upwards, rewarded with Yuuri's whimper, before slowing everything down. He steadied his kiss, hands coming up to hold Yuuri across his waist and back. Victor pulled away, giving Yuuri one final chaste press before staring up at him.

'Yuuri,' Victor said huskily, surprising even himself at his tone. He tightened his grip on Yuuri's body, heat addictive. His words came out unevenly, breaths heavy; 'You can't know- You have no idea how badly I want this. I want you so much I can't even think with it.'

Yuuri listened, cheeks flushed deep red and eyes questioning. Victor swallowed, kicking himself for having to give such a wonderful gift up, even if only for now.

'But we should slow down, just a little.' Yuuri made to move, but Victor pulled him back down, gaining a small _oof_ as he did. Victor looked straight into Yuuri's eyes, willing him to understand. 'Don't think I don't want to. Because god, Yuuri- _I want to.'_

Victor took advantage of his strength, flipping them over and having Yuuri beneath him. He saw Yuuri wince as he hit the mattress, pain flashing across his face. No matter how brief, Victor's heart broke at the sight of it. He moved his legs to either side of Yuuri's, lowering his body gently down and supporting himself on his elbows. His ran his fingers down Yuuri's face, blood thumping in his ears with leftover lust and possibly fear. Fear of losing Yuuri- still as prevalent as it had been that day.

'Yuuri, please believe me. You're all I've ever wanted,' Victor said softly, pressing another chaste kiss to Yuuri's mouth. Felt Yuuri's lips pucker beneath him in reciprocation. 'But I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry I hadn't kissed you, I promise I will make up for it. But for now, just let me take care of you.'

Yuuri looked up at Victor with such raw emotion that Victor feared he may break under the weight of it all. Yuuri's mouth parted, like he was about to say something, but he seemed to decide against it. Instead, Yuuri's mouth came together in a thin line, his eyes focused on Victor's. He nodded slowly, hands coming up, suddenly nervous, and tentatively holding Victor's waist. Victor smiled, body loose with love as their arousal ebbed away slowly.

(Frustratingly slowly).

'Please stay here with me,' Yuuri said, the question asked so innocently.

'I'm staying with you forever, _lyubimiy,'_ Victor whispered, leaning down to kiss Yuuri again. Yuuri swelled with something beneath him, breath tumbling out of him as Victor's lips met his own.

They had time, Victor thought as he moved to lie next to Yuuri, gathering the man into his arms. He held Yuuri's wrist, feeling his heartbeat. All the time in the world. Victor would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strap in kids, there's turbulence ahead. 
> 
> bliad' - whore  
> mudak - asshole  
> chto eto znachit dlya yego katanii? - what does it mean for his skating?  
> ya bespolezen - I'm useless  
> ne byt' dramatichnymi - don't be dramatic  
> dostatochno - enough  
> lyubimiy - beloved


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who hit 'preview' instead of 'post' yesterday because they're an actual idiot
> 
> this asshole right here

Yuuri couldn't sleep.

The clock read 4:07AM, the red numbers mocking from the bedside table. He'd been awake for 3 hours now. Yuuri couldn't even reach over and get a book to read, as to do so was to disrupt the currently sleeping Victor that was sprawled across him. And Yuuri really didn't want to do that. Yuuri was on his back, Victor's head pillowed on his chest. It was nice, except it wasn't. Having Victor in bed with him, sleeping with him, was definitely all good as far as Yuuri was concerned. Possibly even _amazing how did Yuuri ever end up being so lucky?_ However, there was something about Victor's weight pressing down on his chest that sparked his heart like flint. Aborted start to some deep, burning something.

Yuuri was trying not to think about. Trying not think about it was resulting in the not sleeping.

It certainly wasn't the noise of water, crushing and heavy, that seemed to be constantly ringing in Yuuri's ears since he'd woken up in hospital days ago. That was just Yuuri's imagination. Left over panic. Yuuri had a lot of experience with leftover panic.

Yuuri looked at the mess of silver hair spread out across his pajamas. The moonlight was catching in it like fish, coming in through Yuuri's blinds. Yuuri wondered if this would be his life now. Sleeping with Victor Nikiforov, like they were _dating._ Like he was Victor's boyfriend. (Except they weren't, were they? Victor hadn't called him that yet). But Victor seemed to have no problem with Yuuri kissing him whenever Yuuri wanted to, which was becoming maddeningly frequent, and now they slept together- that was kind of what being boyfriends was, right? Like, Yuuri definitely considered them to be _together._

The internet said they were boyfriends. Victor himself told him last night that he wasn't going anywhere. But Yuuri couldn't stop the incessant little voice spouting doubt in his head- was Victor not going anywhere because he was Yuuri's coach? Was everything they were doing just some extra part of that? Or-?

Even Yuuri at thirteen years old, at his most indulgent in fantasies, hadn't come up with this one. And that was saying something. So now that Yuuri had it, he didn't know what to do with it. It's not like Yuuri could ask Victor himself- could he? Would that be childish? Yuuri ran a hand over Victor's head, heart leaping into his throat when Victor made a soft hum in his sleep at the touch. Yuuri couldn't move much, (Victor was so much taller and his legs seemed to want to be everywhere), but even if he could he wouldn't want to.

Looking back up at the ceiling, Yuuri tried to block the noise out of his head. He did what he had been doing for hours; replayed memories of performances. Going over routines. Meticuliously recalling his free-skate program, making edits and switching things up in his imagination. It was great, as in Yuuri's imagination, when he planned a quad he could just land it. Yuuri was even induling in memories of Victor. How Victor moved, how he laughed. But the ringing was becoming insistent now. Was beginning to eat at Yuuri's resolve, chipping it down, flaking like dry paint from the walls. Revealing what was underneath.

He could almost hear the scratching sound, if it weren't for the pressing, suffocating ringing.

Yuuri flinched to himself in the dark, breath running out of him as the memory of water, pooling black, enclosed him without warning. Held him tight and Yuuri shut his eyes to his room and the shifting moonlight, so like the top of the water that he just couldn't reach-

Yuuri panicked. It was so sudden, like the ground giving out from under him. Like the ice cracking and Yuuri was falling. His heart spasmed in his chest, blood rushing and Yuuri desperately pushed with all his might to get the weight of the water off him, scrambling across the bed in need of air. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe! It was so _heavy and why couldn't he breathe?_

'Yuuri!'

Strong arms were around him instantly and Yuuri's instinct was to flee, pulling forward to get out of the grip with all his might. But he was held fast, pulled back against Victor's chest which was heaving behind him. Up and down against his back. Yuuri opened his eyes and panicked when he didn't recognise his bedroom straight away, shadows swaying like waves. But it all came back, slowly coming into focus.

Someone was speaking. Victor. Victor, who had been asleep in his bed, just moments ago. Yuuri's stomach dropped, embarrassment fast filling him. He was half lying back in Victor's lap, legs all tangled up in each other and Victor's arms around his waist. Yuuri bent his head back, looking up at Victor's chin. Victor was shushing him now, muttering something in what Yuuri assumed had to be Russian.

 _'Vse v poryadke, Yuuri,'_ Victor said into Yuuri's hair, accent so foreign that it made him almost sound like a completely different person. It was jarring, at four in the morning. 'I've got you, _miliy._ It's alright.'

'I-' Yuuri stopped, not sure what he was going to say. His heart was still racing, Yuuri could feel the adrenaline coursing. It was like he had been shocked with something and his body was still twitching with the energy of it. 'I'm sorry, Victor. I must've- had a bad dream.'

The last part came out a little awkwardly, but truly Yuuri didn't know what else to say about the mortifying panic attack. It was still clawing at him from beneath his skin. Yuuri looked at his own arms, pale in the moon-dark, like he half-expected them to split with the pressure mounting inside of him.

'Tell me how to help you,' Victor said earnestly, moving his head down to kiss at the only bit of Yuuri he could reach. (The top of his ear).

'Let me go,' Yuuri said instantly, not thinking. Yuuri's mouth opened in horror at what he said, but Victor had already released him. Yuuri turned over on Victor's lap, knees coming down either side of Victor's thighs as Yuuri faced him. 'Not go! I- I don't mean go away, or anything. I just don't want...'

Yuuri wasn't sure what he didn't want. All he knew for certain was that he didn't want Victor to go anywhere. The memory of the water was fading now, ebbing away as Yuuri's breath caught up with him.

Victor was looking at him in that way that made Yuuri feel like Victor could see right through him. Past skin, bone- all the way down to Yuuri's very thoughts. It was unnerving, and was usually aimed at Yuuri during practice when Yuuri was beginning to get frustrated with himself. It felt almost surreal, to see it now reflected back through the azure in Yuuri's bedroom.

'You don't want to be restrained,' Victor said and it was right. Like most things Victor said. Yuuri sighed in relief, tension leaving the shoulders he hadn't realised had been raised. Yuuri leant forward, forehead to forehead.

'Yes,' he whispered, like it was a secret.

Victor put his hands to Yuuri's face, fingers pushing through Yuuri's hair and rubbing small circles with his thumbs on Yuuri's cheeks. Yuuri closed his eyes, relaxing into the touch. Victor's hands were cool to touch, they usually were. But Yuuri knew them so well now. It was so natural, to trust Victor like this. Yuuri was quite afraid he wouldn't know what to do anymore without Victor there to guide him.

Yuuri wasn't sure how long they stayed that way, but he knew for certain that he couldn't sleep now. He was scared to move the few centimetres forward, scared to take advantage of his position to press Victor's lips to his own. Any bravado he had had from the night before had long faded with his medication, and a big part of Yuuri was still unsure if he was even allowed to kiss Victor now.

'Tell me what you're thinking, Yuuri,' Victor said, Yuuri's name curved like a bow at the _r._ Victor's accent had a way of doing that, like it was bending Yuuri's name in half.

'Can I kiss you?' Yuuri asked, lifting his head away just so he could gauge Victor's reaction. Victor's face was blank for a moment and Yuuri's blood turned cold- but then Victor was smiling and it was snow melting.

'Of course,' Victor said, leaning forward and kissing Yuuri so softly that Yuuri's heart stopped for just a moment. Victor pulled away, Yuuri chasing after him. 'Why would you even ask?'

'I thought I should,' Yuuri said, moving forward and kissing Victor again. Victor laughed through the kiss. It was a tumbling sound, like marbles down stairs and it fell all way down Yuuri's throat.

Victor kissed Yuuri until the ringing in his ears stopped. Slowly, Yuuri let go of the memory of drowning as Victor's kisses turned hungry, like they always did. Like Victor was the one who was drowning and Yuuri was the only thing he could breathe. It was a heady thing. Victor's mouth was so warm and inviting, tongue lazily swiping against Yuuri's lips and Yuuri's heart was doing that thing it always did when Victor kissed him. A whimper, small but desperately needy, slipped out between Yuuri's lips as Victor moved to deepen the kiss, hands becoming firm as he tilted Yuuri's head.

' _Yuuri~'_ Victor moaned, pulling back before kissing Yuuri hard again, lips rough like he wanted to mark Yuuri there somehow. Victor was panting a little now and it was twisting Yuuri's stomach into knots, inevitable desire mounting. Yuuri put his hands in Victor's hair, loving so desperately that he could do so. He gripped a little tighter and Victor groaned, breaking away just to mutter in incomprehensible Russian against Yuuri's lips; ' _Ya tak sil-no tebya khochu.'_

Yuuri had no idea what that meant but it sounded promising.

But then Victor was slowing everything down again, like he _always_ did. The kiss became languid and soft, tender movements of Victor's lips against his and while Yuuri adored it, something took note of Victor slowing down their relationship, _again_.

'I need to let you sleep,' Victor said, voice rough. He was still holding Yuuri in place, his blue eyes closed in what looked like deep thought. Or restraint, if Yuuri was to be hopeful about it. Yuuri wanted to be hopeful.

'Why?' Yuuri asked and he knew he sounded petulant, even to his own ears. But kissing Victor was so good. And Yuuri was afraid. Afraid of what he would think of if left alone to his thoughts again.

'You're still-'

Victor stopped and Yuuri watched him, waiting. When it became obvious that Victor wasn't going to say anything else, Yuuri asked; 'I'm still what?'

'I don't even know what you are, Yuuri,' Victor said quietly. 'Injured? Traumatised?'

Yuuri scoffed at that, but something sat uneasy in him at the word; 'I'm not traumatised. Don't be ridiculous.'

Victor was frowning now, concern evident. Yuuri squirmed a little on Victor's lap, suddenly feeling far too close for the conversation. Nowhere to hide. Victor's hands slid down Yuuri's neck, around Yuuri's waist in a loose loop. He wanted Yuuri to stay put but was being careful not to pin him down. Affection flooded through Yuuri at the realisation, liquid and warm. His heart swelled with it. Staying where he was didn't seem so bad at all now.

'You had a nightmare. Tell me about it,' Victor said and Yuuri bit his lip. That was most certainly not happening.

'I don't remember,' Yuuri lied. Victor kept frowning at him, but he didn't push. Instead, he leant forward and kissed Yuuri on the forehead. Yuuri both loved and hated when Victor did that. On the one hand, it was exceptionally lovely. On the other, it was usually the only warning Yuuri got before Victor was about to put the brakes on all other kissing options. Yuuri hoped he could convince Victor otherwise. Get Victor to drop the conversation all together.

'Hmm,' Victor replied, obviously doubtful. But Yuuri held firm, not opening his mouth to elaborate. Instead, Yuuri kissed Victor again, hoping to dissuade him. Victor kissed him back for a moment before pulling away. 'Don't think I'm so easily distracted.'

'What makes you think I'm trying to distract you?' Yuuri flirted, rolling his hips ever so slightly on Victor's lap in the hope of doing just that. Victor made a noise that could've been a protest but Yuuri had seen Victor's eyebrows come together like that before and knew it definitely wasn't one.

'Yuuri,' Victor said, half-scold half-invitation. His grip on Yuuri's waist tightened, fingers slipping under the hem of Yuuri's pajama top. His touch felt like fire on Yuuri's skin. Yuuri suddenly thought of how cold the water was, how it poured into him and burned his throat all the way down. Yuuri gasped at how vivid the memory was, jumping a bit under Victor's touch. Victor put a hand to Yuuri's face, trying to steady him.

'Shush, it's alright,' Victor said, though he sounded confused. His blue eyes were swirling and Yuuri found he couldn't look at them. Yuuri moved forward, burying his face into Victor's shoulder as Victor wrapped his long arms around him.

It wasn't alright. It definitely wasn't alright. Yuuri wanted to shake the memory off somehow. He tried to calm himself down, breathing after speeding up again with latent panic. Yuuri thought about taking the memory, of putting it in a nice, small box. He visualised closing the lid of the box, tried to picture it as clearly as he saw the morning sun poking through the rippling surface of the water- _stop it!_

'Let's try and get some sleep,' Victor said softly, like he was afraid he might scare Yuuri off. Yuuri nodded meekly into Victor's shoulder, not sure he could speak. His throat felt dry.

Victor rearranged them back on the bed, tucking Yuuri in front of him, back to chest. Yuuri was facing out, his room looking back at him. He tried not to look at the clock. Victor kept his arms around Yuuri's waist, linking one of his hands with Yuuri's. It felt like too much and not enough at the same time. Victor's weight all comfort, but his presence made Yuuri feel so self-conscious of his stupid thinking. Of not being able to control himself better.

Yuuri closed his eyes and let himself listen as Victor spoke to him quietly, listened as Victor told him it was all okay and they'd do something nice in the morning. He let himself be soothed, imagining tomorrow night, and the night after that. Imagined all the nights ahead where he and Victor would hopefully sleep like this again. If he'd still want to, after Yuuri's stop-and-go antics a few minutes ago. Yuuri hoped he woud.

Soon, sleep came and Yuuri didn't think much of anything anymore, falling down into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

Yuuri wasn't allowed on the ice. For an undetermined bout of time. It was a nightmare come to life.

'What?!' Yuuri asked, horrified over the table at breakfast when Victor told him they wouldn't be going to Ice Palace that day. 'But the Rostelecom Cup is in three weeks! I can't afford to miss anymore than I already have!'

'You're still recovering, Yuuri,' Victor said sternly, taking an elegant sip of his tea. Mari hovered nearby, most likely eavesdropping but pretending to be watching the television. Yuuri noticed her subtly turn the volume down and Yuuri blushed at his own outburst.

'I'm fine, Victor. Really,' Yuuri said, lowering his voice and practically hissing the words across the table. Victor raised an eyebrow at him, but said nothing else, taking another sip of his tea. 'If this is about my bad-dream, then I think you're blowing it out of proportion.'

'Better to be safe,' Victor said, using his chopsticks to pick up a perfect bite of scrambled egg. Yuuri frowned at him across the table, deeply unhappy.

'The doctor said I was fine. That's why I got to come home,' Yuuri said, hearing himself that he was sounding childish and finding that he didn't care one bit. It was unfair to not be allowed to skate. All because of one silly thing?

'You can skate when you're finished your pain medication,' Victor said coolly, watching Yuuri with those eyes again. Yuuri bit the inside of his cheek, refusing to give in. He was prescribed medication til the end of the week. That was far too long. 'As your coach, my word is law, Yuuri.'

Yuuri was getting angry very quickly. Funny, how Victor was Yuuri's coach first only when it suited him.

'You can't stop me if I want to practice,' Yuuri said with a bravery he definitely didn't feel under Victor's intense gaze.

'Oh?' Victor said, popping another bite of egg into his mouth. He chewed gracefully, eyes slipping away as if Yuuri was some idle thing Victor could ignore. It made Yuuri's blood boil a little under his skin. He hated when Victor treated him like that. Like Yuuri was beneath him somehow. 'Good luck convincing Yuuko to let you in. I already warned her not to.'

'Then I'll find somewhere else to skate.'

'Ah yes, because that worked out so well for you the last time,' Victor said flippantly. Yuuri flushed at that, heat flooding all the way down his neck. Victor met his eyes again, blue icy with a sour looking green flinting back through them. 'We can go for a walk later. We'll take Makkachin. That can be your training for the day.'

Yuuri sighed in frustration and prodded his rice and egg about on the plate, suddenly feeling far from hungry. He was angry. Angry at Victor for being so high and mighty, for treating Yuuri like a child instead of an athlete. Like Yuuri couldn't be trusted to make his own decisions. Yuuri took his plate in hand and stood up. Victor looked at him, surprised at Yuuri's sudden movement.

'Excuse me, I'm not very hungry,' Yuuri said, bowing slightly to Victor mostly to spite him, as he knew Victor would find it far too formal. Yuuri then turned on his heel and left, heading towards the kitchen to dump his plate.

After leaving his plate, Yuuri told his mother he was going for a soak in the onsen. Nothing sounded better than a warm bath and the chance to think. The chance to get away from Victor for just a moment. The whole time Yuuri had been the hospital, all he could think about was the getting back to training with Victor, the chance for them to be alone together more than anything. Now that Yuuri had it, it all suddenly seemed far too much. Like Victor took up more than space, like the air was thinner with him around. He was in Yuuri's head and under his skin. It was more than distracting. It was consuming.

Yuuri grabbed a robe and headed towards the baths. He could hear the voices of guests, the Japanese wrapping around him like a blanket. He made it as far as the door of the changing room before stopping, finding himself unable to go further. He could hear the water from where he was, heard it splashing and moving around in the tubs. Yuuri stared at the door handle, finding himself reluctant to slide the door open. Yuuri shook his head, gripping the robe tighter.

' _Baka,'_ Yuuri grumbled to himself, but admitting defeat and deciding on a shower instead. ' _Anata wa okuby_ _ōmonodesu.'_

Upstairs in the bathroom, Yuuri watched the shower rain down after turning it on. He watched the water tumble and swirl on the tile below. He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there now, waiting. Waiting for what, Yuuri couldn't say. The hot water would run out soon if Yuuri didn't get a move on. Taking a deep breath, Yuuri stepped underneath the spray, reaching up to soak his hair more thoroughly.

At first, Yuuri didn't feel anything. But slowly, panic began to creep in the corners of his mind. It felt cold, it always felt cold now. Like the tips of his fingers had the blood running from them. Yuuri ignored the mounting weight of anxiety that began to pool in his stomach. Ignored the ringing in his ears as the sound of the shower running became muted in it's stead. Yuuri closed his eyes, determinedly sticking his head beneath the shower head and letting the water run over his face.

The reaction was immediate. Yuuri felt the panic explode up his throat, bile climbing and Yuuri stumbled out of the shower, retching slightly against the tiled wall of it. He fumbled, desperately trying to turn the water off. When he finally managed it, Yuuri fell down to sit at the end of the shower, water slowly draining away.

' _Kuso-,'_ Yuuri cursed, folding his knees up to his chest.

He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there, but soon there was a scratching at the bathroom door. Makkachin whined from the other side, the noise of it waking Yuuri up from his daydreaming. If it could've been called that. Yuuri gathered himself up, wrapping the robe around himself. His hair was starting to frizz from the air drying, not having made it as far as shampooing. With a quick glance in the mirror, Yuuri sighed and ran a hand through it. It didn't help. Yuuri took his glasses up from the sink, rubbing the condensation off as he opened the door.

Makkachi ran between Yuuri's legs, causing him to stumble. But he was immediately caught by Victor, who had been standing outside the door. Yuuri blushed, still after all this time reacting to being touched by Victor so intimately. _Idiot,_ Yuuri thought.

'Ah- thank you,' Yuuri said as Victor helped right him. Victor smiled genuinely, looking the picture of put-together in his patterened jumper and cool slacks.

'I'll always catch you, Yuuri,' Victor teased, throwing Yuuri a wink that only served to make Yuuri's blush worse. 'Especially if it's my poodle's fault you're falling.'

Yuuri only nodded to that, not entirely sure how to speak to Victor after their awkward breakfast. Victor watched him owlishly, blue eyes round and moving up take in Yuuri's hair. Victor reached out, seemingly unable to help himself and ran a hand through Yuuri's hair. Yuuri's breath caught in his throat, warmth blooming as Victor touched him. Victor smiled again, lips pink with it.

'I hope you don't intend to come walking with me like this,' Victor said with good-nature, tone easy and clearly he'd forgiven Yuuri for his tantrum earlier. Victor's hand came down to trail along Yuuri's cheek. Yuuri wished his stupid blush would go down. 'Not that I'm complaining about you walking around in a robe at all. But it is still quite cold outside. Unless, you intend not to go out?'

Yuuri stammered at a bit at Victor's forwardness, which was stupid as they were dating, weren't they? Or they were sleeping together and kissing, and sometimes the kissing went the direction of _more than kissing_ and really, flirting in the hall was a fair few steps down from that so honestly Yuuri needed to get a goddamn grip.

'No, no. I'm coming!' Yuuri stuttered, hands coming up in a surrender gesture. He motioned down the hall towards his bedroom. 'I'll go change now.'

In all the confusion, Yuuri had quite forgotten the incident of panicking in the shower. All he could think of as he walked down the street with Victor was how nice it was to hold Victor's hands. Like boyfriends.

* * *

Two days later, Victor asked Yuuri to meet him in his bedroom after dinner. Any other day, that would've set alarms bells off in Yuuri's mind immediately. Now that he and Victor were- whatever they were- the alarms bells had been upgraded to mental foghorn. Yuuri wouldn't go so far as to say he was _avoiding_ Victor. Well, not exactly. Avoiding was a strong word really. But Yuuri was careful to organise situations to reduce their time alone together. Not because Yuuri didn't want to spend time with Victor, because of course Yuuri did. But there was something in the way Victor was looking at him lately- like Yuuri might vanish before his eyes, mouth slack and eyes wide. Victor would hold on a little too tightly, eyes just that little bit too shiny. It was terrible. A constant reminder of what had happened.

Yuuri really wanted to forget what had happened. And he was good at it, too. (Except for the showers).

If Victor noticed, he wasn't saying anything. But either he'd cottoned on to Yuuri's maneuvering, or even worse, Victor had something planned. Victor wasn't really one for 'plans', Yuuri had learned.

Impulsive kiss on ice during an internationally televised competition surrounded by Yuuri's professional peers would be a good example of Victor's _plans_.

So Yuuri made a quick stop in his bedroom before back-tracking to Victor's after dinner, pulling out an old Detroit hoodie that was much too big for him now. Even when Yuuri had bought it at his larger weight, he'd bought a size up. Now the thing was practically drapery. Decidedly unsexy. Yuuri could be unsexy. He was very good at being unsexy, especially off the ice. As long as Yuuri kept his mouth off Victor's, then he'd be fine. Because once the kissing started Yuuri lost all reason and things tended to head in a very particular direction.

Which would be fine except Victor without fail would stop so suddenly that the rejection Yuuri was beginning to feel was really getting too much to bear. Yuuri had a pretty fair idea as to why Victor was doing it, but Yuuri didn't want to bring it up, as to do so was to Talk About It and as mentioned, Yuuri really didn't want to do that either.

Best to just avoid the kissing.

' _Yuuri~'_ Victor sing-songed, one hand reaching out and taking Yuuri's to pull him into the bedroom while the other closed the door behind him. 'Quick, sit on the bed, I have something for you!'

Yuuri's mouth went dry but he tried to keep himself composed, sending one forlorn glance at the relatively unused couch before heading to the bed, like he was always going to as Victor had asked and Yuuri would do near-anything Victor asked. Yuuri sat on the edge of the bed while Victor moved to rummage something out of a bag. When he found it, Victor held it up with a flourish, flicking his fringe so the silver flashed. Yuuri had been so distracted by Victor's hair, that he missed what Victor was showing him.

'I got you the same again. I hope that's alright,' Victor said and his face was doing that thing where all the lights came on, mouth bent into a heart and eyes bright, bright blue with excitement. It made Yuuri's knees go weak. Yuuri finally tore his gaze from Victor's face to look at what Victor was holding. He froze when he saw it was a phone. His phone, or at least, as Victor said, the same again.

'Oh,' was all Yuuri could think to say when Victor strode across the room, kneeling down in front of Yuuri and putting the phone into his hands. Yuuri looked at it, turning it over gently in his hands. It was brand new, missing all the scratches and dents of his old one. And it didn't have a cover yet, so it felt particularly delicate as Yuuri ran his fingers along it, smudging the glass.

'I ordered you a case, but it isn't here yet,' Victor continued, still smiling. 'And I took the liberty of putting a few contacts in for you already. But I'm afraid you'll have to start everything else again.'

Yuuri still wasn't sure what to say, so he nodded mutely, unable to look away from the phone. Yuuri hadn't even noticed he hadn't been using his old phone, that it had been missing. How crazy was that? Who wouldn't notice that? Victor seemed to notice that Yuuri was struggling with something, his hands coming up to rest of Yuuri's knees.

'Is it alright? If you don't like it, I can get you another one,' he said sweetly and the thought of Victor spending more money had Yuuri stammering back to the present.

'No, no! This is already far too much, Victor!' he said, one hand tight on the phone and the other coming up to Victor's face, holding him just beneath the jaw. Victor's eyes widened just that little bit at the touch and Yuuri gulped at the sight of it. That was a move that put them firmly in the direction of kissing. Yuuri took his hand away, placing it over Victor's on his knee. 'You shouldn't have spent that much money. I could've bought myself a new phone.'

'Don't be silly!' Victor said, smiling again now but Yuuri was already not listening as the realities of what happened came back to Yuuri, realities he had been ignoring.

'I need to pay my parents back,' Yuuri mumbled, more to himself than anything. He thought of the hospital stay. Five days was a long time. Yuuri really shouldn't ignore it anymore, that wouldn't be fair to his family. 'The hospital bills, I need to reimburse them.'

'I've already done that,' Victor said like it was nothing. Yuuri looked at him, shocked.

'You-? You what?'

Victor smiled, squeezing Yuuri's hand gently. 'They were so stubborn, refusing to accept. But I told them it was my responsibility. Which it is, by the way.'

Yuuri didn't know what to say to that. He let go of Victor's hand and brought both of his to his chest, holding the phone flush as he mulled that over. Victor's responsibility. Did he mean that as Yuuri's coach it was his responsibility to cover injuries? Or did he mean that as Yuuri's boyfriend? And if so, was this Victor referencing the fight they had had the day before? They hadn't talked about it. Hadn't talked about anything. Yuuri wasn't sure. Wasn't sure which it was, wasn't sure how to address either.

'Thank you, Victor,' Yuuri said as it was all he could think of to say. Victor was still smiling, but there was something in his eyes that told Yuuri that Victor could tell something was up. Yuuri tried to smile, feeling backed into a corner and doing the only thing he could think of to distract Victor. Yuuri leant forward and kissed Victor very briefly, lips just meeting before he pulled away. 'I can't thank you enough.'

Victor's eyes were alight with mischief. Holding onto Yuuri's knees a little tighter, Victor pushed up off the ground and followed Yuuri's lips, kissing him again. Only Victor kissed him much harder, teeth scraping just a little bit along Yuuri's bottom lip and Yuuri's heart sped up at it, stomach flipping sharply in a way that spelled trouble. Victor put a hand in Yuuri's hair, tilting his head back and kissing him deeper, Yuuri's mouth opening beneath Victor's as Yuuri would open his very soul for him. Tongues met and Yuuri's heart skipped a beat, one of his hands coming forward to gather itself in Victor's chest, tugging him more forward. It was everything and not enough. Yuuri felt like he was falling, always did when Victor kissed him.

Yuuri's no kissing rule was most certainly broken.

Victor pushed Yuuri onto his back, sitting on top of him with a leg on either side of Yuuri's hips. It was _amazing_. Yuuri kept hold on Victor's shirt, definitely creasing it beyond wear but Yuuri couldn't bring himself to care about it. Not with the way Victor ran his tongue across Yuuri's top lip, or the way Victor's hands were slipping up and under his unsexy hoodie, fingertips skimming along Yuuri's skin in a way that it could've been ticklish if it didn't feel so good.

The phone was about to slip out of his hand, (so he could bury it into Victor's hair), when Yuuri remembered it's presence. The phone Victor had replaced. Because Yuuri's had fallen into the reservoir when the ice broke, or it must've done as it was lost. Yuuri gasped into his kiss, Victor using it as a chance to move the kiss to Yuuri's jawline, peppering his lips all the way long it. Yuuri hadn't spoken to anyone in days, hadn't even called Phichit back when Victor had told him he'd called. It had all been too much, like he was admitting something. Admitting how close he had come. After he'd fallen into the water, so cold and so, so dark-

'Phichit!' Yuuri said, fist in Victor's shirt opening into a palm to press against Victor's chest. Victor stopped immediately, coming up to face Yuuri directly with what was most certainly not a happy face on. Yuuri flushed terribly.

'I'm sorry?' Victor asked, half-confusion and half-disappointment.

'I- I need to call Phichit,' Yuuri said, holding the phone up weakly between them. Victor frowned down at Yuuri, disapproval evident. Yuuri tried to explain further, but it only seemed to make things worse; 'I never called him after you told me to. And I should let Yurio know I'm alright, too!'

'It's been days, Yuuri. I've already told them you're fine,' Victor said, voice low.

Yuuri wasn't scared, but he wasn't comfortable either. He'd clearly hurt Victor's feelings, which wasn't his intention. But Yuuri couldn't do this- whatever it was- right now, as good as it felt. There was so much else he had to do. Yuuri couldn't just let the whole thing take control of him again, like it was threatening to. Yuuri could feel the memory of the water creeping in around him, flooding his thoughts. Yuuri couldn't let Victor see that.

'I know. But they- you know, they should hear it from me?' The last part really wasn't supposed to be a question but Yuuri's self-doubt was too much to contain. Victor kept looking down at him, blue eyes changing colour like the seasons. Then he sighed and stood up, reaching a hand out to pull Yuuri back up as well.

'You're going to be the death of me, Yuuri Katsuki,' Victor said and Yuuri bristled the smallest bit. It always bothered him a little when Victor said his name wrong. The feeling of Victor treating Yuuri like he was some sort of- Yuuri didn't know. But it just struck him as disrespectful.

Victor smiled, face shifting into a careful mask. That always bothered Yuuri, too. How Victor could just do that. Bury his feelings. (Yuuri was also the tiniest bit jealous, not that he'd ever admit it).

'I'm s-' Before Yuuri could finish, Victor took his chin in hand and kissed him again. Another arm wrapped around Yuuri's waist and Victor stepped forward, tipping Yuuri back slightly as Victor kissed Yuuri deeply and hotly and any semblance of thought Yuuri had had completely evaporated. His knees trembled a little as Victor's tongue swept through his mouth in a way designed to set Yuuri's heart on fire. Yuuri moaned, weak for it.

'Just know, that if you ever say another man's name when I'm kissing you again, I won't be held responsible for my actions,' Victor said, voice breathy and accent thick as he pulled away from Yuuri painfully slowly. Yuuri could only think to nod dumbly, heart racing and stomach tied into delicious knots after the kiss.

'Okay,' he said, voice a whisper. Victor grinned, all teeth and entirely wickedly.

'Good. Just think we should be clear.'

* * *

Yuuri found Phichit's number saved to his new phone. It was one of the six numbers Victor had gone ahead and put there for him. (One of which being Victor's own number, complete with heart emoji in the name).

 

 **18:12PM** _Hey, Phichit! It's Yuuri, I have a new phone._

 **18:12PM** WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! Can I call you?

 **18:12PM** _Of course._

 

'It's been a week, Yuuri!' Phichit exclaimed, face brimming with frustration even through the screen. Yuuri blushed and sat back further on his desk chair, as if he could avoid Phichit's glaring. 'What have you been doing? Are you alright? I was so worried!'

'I'm sorry, Phichit. I really, really am,' Yuuri said and he meant it. Phichit scoffed.

' _Sorry?_ You're sorry? You could've been dead for all I knew!' Phichit cried, phone waving and blurring the screen. Yuuri flinched at Phichit's tone. He knew Phichit would be upset, but facing it was something else entirely.

'It really wasn't that serious-'

'Was-? Are you _insane?!_ ' Phichit interrupted, flapping a hand dramatically. Yuuri bit his lip, unsure of what he wanted to say. 'Victor should've made you call me.'

'It's not Victor's fault,' Yuuri said, hurt that Phichit would blame Victor. Yuuri pinched his nose under his glasses, feeling the edges of headache start. Maybe letting Phichit call him was a bad idea. But no- Yuuri had to do this. It was only fair. 'It was me. I was just so out of it. I wanted everyone to just forget it happened.'

'Just forget that you nearly drowned yourself?' Phichit asked, tone still deeply unhappy. Yuuri shrugged in response. Phichit sighed, exasperation obvious. 'You're really something, Katsuki. What were you even doing out on that lake?'

'Resevoir,' Yuuri corrected feebly. Phichit's eyes widened in warning and Yuuri stopped immediately.

Yuuri could just tell him. Yuuri hadn't told anyone yet, not even the psychiatrist when she had asked him in the hospital. He hadn't spoken about it with Victor. And Phichit would never tell on him. But something was holding Yuuri back, something he couldn't name. Maybe it was still the fear that admitting to it was to admit that maybe he and Victor weren't all they appeared to be. Maybe it was the stupid, damn ringing in his ears that he just couldn't shake off. 

'What is it, Yuuri? You look like someone just died,' Phichit said, voice a little gentler now.

'Do you think Victor likes me?' Yuuri asked without thinking, then suddenly realising it. His mouth opened and closed in shock at his own stupidity while Phichit stared at him with open confusion.

'Um, yes? Why?' Phichit replied, questioning. He probably thought Yuuri was crazy. Hell, Yuuri thought he was crazy.

'Are you sure?' Yuuri asked. Phichit smiled warmly, shaking his head a little.

'I'm pretty sure. He is dating you, after all,' Phichit teased, looking away from the camera for a moment. Probably to one of his hamsters.

'Yeah. What we're doing- it is dating, right?' Yuuri continued, embarrassment mounting but he'd gone too far now. Phichit looked back at him.

'Is everything alright, Yuuri?' Phichit asked, concern bleeding through the speaker. Yuuri curled up in the desk chair, knees coming up to his chest and he rested the phone on top of them. 'Did something happen?'

'Yes. Sort of,' Yuuri muttered, still unsure if he could say. Phichit said nothing, waiting patiently. Yuuri sighed. 'We had a fight.'

'Right. Today?' Phichit asked and Yuuri could see he was moving to his own bed, giving Yuuri his undivided attention. Phichit was such a good friend, Yuuri really should've called sooner.

'No. Last week. It's why I was on the resevoir. I wanted to skate, but I didn't want Victor to find me,' Yuuri admitted at last, feeling like his heart was caught in someone's grip. Tightening ever so slowly until it wouldn't beat anymore.

'I see,' Phichit said slowly. He seemed to think for a moment before starting again. 'Was this a fight with your coach? Or a boyfriend fight?'

Yuuri thought, then answered truthfully; 'Both.'

'Yikes,' Phichit replied softly. Yuuri nodded glumy. Yikes indeed. 'What was the fight about?'

Yuuri fidgeted with the line of his new phone, his gaze moving over it to stare at the books on his shelves. He wasn't sure how to describe it without sounding like a child, or ungrateful to Victor. Yuuri got angry because he thought Victor wasn't taking coaching seriously anymore by not making a statement against the gossip claims? That wasn't strictly speaking fair. Yuuri was hurt because he felt like Victor was taking liberties with Yuuri as a student? Closer, but it sounded so petty. Yuuri was afraid that Victor wasn't taking the _relationship_ seriously, treating it as another fun extension of Victor's coaching? Meaning that Yuuri was falling dangerously in love with someone who may not love him back the same way? Maybe. Yuuri didn't know what to say.

'You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,' Phichit said kindly and Yuuri wished so desperately he could hug him. Instead, Yuuri smiled and ran a hand through his hair, trying to seem more put together.

'No, no. It's not that. It's just I'm not sure how to describe it,' he admitted. Phichit nodded in understanding. Yuuri tried to explain; 'It was about all the gossip about us- dating. I was worried he wasn't taking it seriously.'

'The gossip, or the dating you?'

'The dating me,' Yuuri corrected hurriedly, blushing even as he said it. 'And the coaching me.'

'Oh, full whammy,' Phichit said seriously despite the ridiculousness of the English. Phichit bit his bottom lip for a second before he decided something, sitting up a bit straighter and holding the camera face-on so he could meet Yuuri's eyes. 'Look, I can't speak for Victor. But I saw him when you were in hospital when he Skyped me. And Yuuri, he looked- he just looked terrible. Like his whole world was coming down around him.'

Yuuri thought of what Victor had told him the night he had come home from the hospital. _When I saw you on the snow, I thought I would die._ Yuuri's heart twisted in his chest.

'I don't know how you guys work, with the coaching and everything. But it's obvious to anyone that knows you how much you both mean to each other. This must be new for him, too, you know? Maybe you shouldn't be so harsh on him,' Phichit said, words careful like he was afraid he was over-stepping. Phichit held a palm up, dark skin bleached by the bad signal. 'I'm not trying to defend anyone here. And obviously it's something you both need to talk about. But Yuuri, you just gave Victor the biggest scare of his life. You gave _me_ the biggest scare of my life!'

Yuuri looked away, ashamed again of making Phichit wait so long.

'Just- cut him some slack, yeah?'

Yuuri nodded, thinking strangely of Victor's insistent kiss earlier in the evening. Of the way he was so disappointed, but how he let Yuuri go anyway.

'Thanks, Phichit. I will.'

* * *

By the end of the week, Yuuri had drawn the conclusion that he and Victor were definitely dating.

Which was beyond _fantastic_ and really more into the realms of _fantasy._

Unfortunately, as good as realising that his boyfriend was _the_ Victor Nikiforov, the realisation that Victor was also his coach came less welcome, as Victor was still refusing to let Yuuri skate no matter what Yuuri tried to convince him otherwise. And Yuuri had tried a great many things. But like his skate practice, Yuuri's relationship also seemed to be on pause in a certain respect as Victor was being frustratingly careful. Like if he pushed too much Yuuri would break. It was driving Yuuri mad. He was a full-grown man and did not need to be coddled.

Phichit's words came to mind often. And Yuuri had been trying. He indulged more in his time with Victor, trying not to let Victor's continuous control affect him. But he wasn't going to lie- it was difficult. It also didn't help that Yuuri was still having nightmares, making him even more irritable.

Yuuri was stretched out in Minako-sensei's studio, Victor watching from the barre. It was their compromise, after Yuuri had claimed he was going insane doing nothing but walk to and from the onsen in the afternoon, much as he loved Makkachin. Yuuri bent low, reaching up and grabbing his toes as he was practically bent in half. Felt the burn in his lower back and hamstrings. His chest, too, weirdly- though Yuuri supposed the bruising he'd gotten from the CPR still hadn't healed properly yet. It was less ugly, thankfully; faded down to dull yellow. Yuuri tried not to look at it too much when he was getting dressed.

'Watch your hip, Yuuri,' Victor chided from the barre, one hand on his chin as he watched Yuuri carefully. Yuuri huffed as he let go of his toes a little dramatically, readjusting his form and trying again. Victor chuckled. 'Moody today?'

'I'm not moody,' Yuuri replied, sounding exactly that. Even when Yuuri wasn't allowed on the ice, Victor managed to find new ways to be a pain.

'Hmm, 'course not. You're the picture of composed,' Victor said, obviously making fun of him. Yuuri stuck his bottom lip out, knowing for a fact that Victor would not find such a move warranting sympathy but finding himself unable to stop anyway. He readjusted, moving into the splits and bending down low to the left.

'I think you'll find I'm the most composed,' Yuuri muttered, definitely being petty now. Victor laughed at him and Yuuri ignored him, even though he felt his cheeks getting a little hot at the sound. Yuuri switched to the other side.

'Oh? I'm sure we can do something about that,' Victor said, flirting so easily. Yuuri deliberately didn't look at Victor, refusing to let Victor win. Their stretching sessions tended to go this way now. But the blush that was definitely spreading was doing it's damnest to undo Yuuri's image of _disinterested._ Yuuri released the stretch, giving Victor what he hoped was a nonchalant glance.

'Doubt it, seeing as I'm still benched,' Yuuri said, throwing the American phrase on purpose to test Victor. Victor tapped a finger to his own lips, something clearly crossing his mind. Yuuri shrugged awkwardly, now a little self-conscious in being so rude.

'I was thinking,' Victor said, in a way that was clearly meant to suggest aloofness but Yuuri could tell by the way Victor shifted his weight that whatever it was he wanted to say was important. Yuuri focused on the end of toes as he righted himself, moving back to stretch the other side again- waiting. 'How would you like to try the ice today?'

Yuuri sat up straight in shock, pushing his hair out of his face just to be sure he could see Victor clearly. (Well, as clearly as he could without his glasses. Which admittedly, wasn't much).

'Really?'

Yuuri was suspicious. Victor had been so strict about waiting until Yuuri was off his medication and now he was suggesting the ice? After only a week? There had to be something going on here. Victor never gave in that easy. Victor must've noticed Yuuri's confusion as he _tsked_ with humour, stepping away from the barre and coming down to kneel in front of Yuuri.

'I can see you're miserable,' Victor said, pushing a stray hair off Yuuri's face. He did that a lot lately, Yuuri had noticed. 'And you are right. The Rostelecom Cup is quite close. But we're going to take it easy. No run-throughs. I want to see how you are first.'

'What's the catch?' Yuuri asked before he could stop himself. Victor blinked back at him in surprise.

'Why would there be a catch?' Victor asked, tilting his head with mock offence. 'Are you saying I would never just spoil you? I'm hurt, Yuuri.'

'Victor.'

'This is not me saying you can compete,' Victor said strictly and Yuuri knew then that was the catch. He wasn't giving in, he was just offering Yuuri a consolation. But that was fine. Because Yuuri would show Victor just how much better he was. Once Victor saw him on the ice, Yuuri knew he could convince him. Convincing Victor of things was easier now, (kissing was quite the motivator), but doing so on the ice remained Yuuri's ultimate trump card.

Yuuri elected to ignore Victor's warning, rolling his eyes and relaxing his split; 'So it's all okay then? I can go skating today?'

Victor licked his bottom lip and Yuuri knew he'd gotten his way. Victor always licked his lips before giving in. Yuuri had noticed that, too.

Yuuri was smiling before he could stop himself. He folded his legs back in and used the momentum to push forward, arms up and around Victor's neck, pushing Victor backwards to sit. Yuuri kissed Victor quickly, pulling back just at Victor's gasp of surprise. Yuuri loved that noise. Loved Victor.

'I'm suddenly feeling much better about your coaching,' Yuuri announced, standing up and leaving Victor abandoned on the floor. Victor stood up, all slender lines and watching Yuuri with his beautiful, blue eyes.

'What was wrong with my coaching?'

Later, Yuuri was tying the laces of his skates and trying to temper his excitement. _Finally_ he was being let back on the ice, after just over two weeks away. Two weeks was a long time. Too long. The Rostelecom Cup was only a week and a half away. All because Yuuri had done something as stupid as skate on the resevoir- and fallen through it of all things. A shiver ran through Yuuri unbidden at the thought, but he firmly shoved it aside. He was getting much better at putting the memory of what happened away. It was getting easier, the fear of it becoming less huge with every passing day. Once Yuuri was back to skating, he just knew everything else would fall into place.

Without a full warm-up, the rink was intially cold. Yuuri tugged his gloves on before stepping out onto the ice, leaving his guards on the awning. Victor was skating in small, deliberate circles already. Yuuri skated up to him, his heart beating just a little too fast as his skates scraped across the surface of the ice. Yuuri ignored it.

'So, what can I do? Just spins?' Yuuri asked, turning on his skates to try and build momentum. Victor halted his circling gracefully, reaching out before Yuuri could skate away and taking his hand. He smiled, teeth white.

'We're going to do laps,' Victor said brightly, like that wasn't the worst thing ever. Yuuri's mouth opened in shock and disgust.

'Laps? Like- just circle the rink?' he asked, incredulous. Yuuri didn't know this man, as his coach Victor Nikiforov would never say yes to letting Yuuri do something that was such a monumental waste of time.

'You get to hold my hand,' Victor said, tone teasing but Yuuri ignored him. He pulled his hand out of Victor's grip, fixing him with what he hoped was a stern stare.

'You said I could skate,' he said, watching as Victor crossed his arms across his stupidly lovely chest, skin alabaster against the black of his under-armour.

'I said we could go on the ice,' Victor replied, taking advantage of his height as he pushed forward into Yuuri's space. He looked so much older when he did that, every inch the discerning coach. 'And I believe I did specify that we weren't going to run-through your program.'

'But- what's the point? The Rostelecom Cup is only twelve days away!' Yuuri said, panic evident in his voice but he found he could not control it. 'Am I competing or not?'

'That's what I'm hoping to gauge.'

'With laps?!'

'Yuuri, I think you're taking this much harder than you need to,' Victor said and Yuuri was reminded vividly of their argument. Right before _it happened_. Yuuri shook his head, as if he could shake the blackness of the water out of his mind's eye through sheer will.

'I don't think you're taking this seriously,' Yuuri threw back, knowing it was mean but unable to stop it. Victor narrowed his eyes, blue turning cold. Yuuri felt his stomach drop. All the pent up frustration of the last days were beginning to mount inside of Yuuri, building up like pressure under the earth. Threatening to erupt. 'You're my coach, Victor. You should be trying to get me ready for the competition.'

'I'm aware, Yuuri. But I have to be careful. I'm not just your coach. I'm your-' Victor stopped and Yuuri could've killed him for stopping there. Yuuri leant a little forward, reducing the space between them even further. He stared up at Victor, their height difference echoed even in their skates.

'What? You're my what?'

'Well, what do you want me to be?' Victor asked carefully and quietly, and Yuuri felt like he was going mad. Victor couldn't even _say_ it unless Yuuri asked him. That was so typical.

'I want you to take me seriously. I want you to understand that my competition is less than two weeks away and I've done _nothing_ to prepare for it!' Yuuri all but shouted, frustration sparking like flint into something else. Something uncontrollable. Yuuri couldn't focus on anything other than the skating. His heart was hurting in his chest, breaking at the fact that Victor still didn't consider them to be _anything_ despite everything they had been through.

'I am, I do,' Victor said, sounding worn out already. He put his face into one of his hands, fringe gathered in his fingertips. It reminded Yuuri of how Victor had looked at the Cup of China, close to a month ago now. Had it really been that long? 'Yuuri, I'm not sure what you're asking me for. I can't let you go back to training until I know for certain that you're able for it. You almost _drowned,_ Yuuri. Your heart had stopped beating. What if I push you too hard?

Yuuri skated back at the mention of the drowning, knees wobbling with the sudden movement. Victor moved, too, both hands reaching out simultaneously to take hold of Yuuri, but Yuuri had skated too far. Yuuri didn't want to talk about what had happened, didn't even want to think about it. It was over, it was just one stupid mistake, why wouldn't anyone let him forget about it?

He hated how his mother had cried in the hospital. He hated how angry his father had been, how he had spluttered questions like _we taught you how to swim why didn't you swim?_ He hated how Yuuko-chan had looked at him when she had come to visit, tears obvious. Like she was grieving. Like Yuuri had died.

Well, Yuuri hadn't died. He had lived and it was all fine. Everyone needed to just _let it go_ and stop treating Yuuri like this.

'Stop it,' Yuuri said, surprising himself at the anger in his voice. He closed his eyes, unable to look at Victor with his beautiful face and reaching fingers. Couldn't face the emotion that lurked in Victor's eyes, never outright. Never open. 'I don't want to hear that now. I don't want to talk about it.'

'I think we should talk about it,' Victor said, his voice so clear even as a ringing started to fill Yuuri's ears. A damning, familiar ringing.

'Is that your advice as my coach?' Yuuri said spitefully, opening his eyes just to try and glare at Victor.

'Yuuri.'

Victor's voice was so soft. Yuuri closed his eyes again, burying his face into his own hands. His ears were ringing and his chest felt too tight. Heart swollen, unable to beat in the vaccum. There wasn't any air. Yuuri couldn't breathe. He remembered the sheer weight of the water around him, of the skates on his feet pulling him all the way down. The skates he was wearing now felt too tight, Yuuri wanted them off. He was panting, could hear it over the damning noises of the water in the his memory.

Strong hands were pulling Yuuri's hands away, tilting his chin up. Before Yuuri could open his eyes again, there were lips against his. Cold, and firm and Yuuri couldn't open his mouth, _he couldn't breathe-_

'Don't do that!' Yuuri shouted, pushing Victor back with all his might. Victor teetered slightly in his skates as he glided backwards, the only lack of control Yuuri had ever seen in him on the ice. 'You can't- God, you can't just kiss me and think that makes it all go away!'

Victor was staring now, eyes so blue and round and Yuuri hated him. He hated him, hated him, hated him. Hated that he loved Victor so overwhelming much. That his heart beat with Victor's name and that every move Yuuri made on the ice was a love letter. 

'It doesn't work like that. Doesn't just- it doesn't make everything better!'

'Yuuri, I just,' Victor started, voice trembling slightly. Yuuri panicked again, not knowing what to do with Victor if he was going to start showing emotion all of a sudden. Victor took a breath, composed himself. 'I need you to let me in, Yuuri. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong.'

'You, you're what's wrong,' Yuuri said quickly, anger so vivid and the water so loud in his ears. Yuuri growled in frustration, just wishing everything would be silent for just one moment, just so he could catch his breath. 'Can't you just leave me alone?'

What Yuuri meant to say was _Can't you just leave me alone with that look on your face? That look that says I almost died?_ Yuuri couldn't bring himself to. Couldn't bring himself to say the words, to acknowledge how close he'd come all because he had been his own stupid, emotional, too-sensitive self. Yuuri ran a hand over his face, coming away wet. He hadn't realised he had been crying. When did he start crying?

'Do you want me to?' Victor said, voice so quiet that Yuuri almost didn't hear him. Yuuri looked at him, looked at the perfectly composed Victor and his long, slender arms. Yuuri wanted to bury himself in Victor's chest, hide there between his ribs where none of what was happening could reach him. But he couldn't. Because Victor's eyes were still so fearful, so unsure. So terrified that Yuuri was about to slip away underneath the ice again.

'I- I don't know.'

Victor nodded, pulling his arms back into his sides. Like he was deflating. He watched Yuuri carefully. 'This is what I had been afraid of. I knew you were holding something back. Is it the ice? I _knew_ it would be too much for you.'

Yuuri's blood caught fire. Right, because Victor was just oh so clever. And stupid, emotional Yuuri. 

'You knew? Knew what? Because you're the _great_ Victor Nikiforov? Aren't I just so lucky to have you?' Yuuri scoffed, waving his hands as if displaying Victor.

'Yuuri!' Victor snapped and for the first time, Yuuri thought he might've pushed too far. The thought was strangely inciting, twisting inside of Yuuri with something like pride, breeding a terrible thing. What was else was Victor hiding beneath that perfect veneer?

Yuuri loved him so terribly and wanted to know so badly.

'Yuuri, that is quite enough.' It was a warning. 'You're upset.'

'I'm not upset,' Yuuri replied, definitely upset. He wanted to be off the ice, wanted to kick and throw his skates off across it's surface like he could somehow hurt it. But he couldn't admit that. Not to Victor.

'Yuuri, I'm your lover, let me help you,' Victor said and something in Yuuri's brain short-circuited. _Lover?_

'My what?' Yuuri stammered, shock gripping him. Something passed over Victor's face, something that on anyone else Yuuri might recognise as hurt. Yuuri realised too late that he sounded angry at Victor's words, sounding everything far from happy about it. Yuuri froze, panic so present and explosive inside him that it struck him dumb.

'Fine,' Victor said, the word exceptionally cold and final. Victor pushed off his back foot, gracefully glided towards the exit.

Yuuri watched him leave, breathing heavily and tears coming back hot and fast. He watched Victor's retreating back, wanting to explain but unsure where to begin. He tried to call out after Victor, but found himself unable to. Fear was gripping him, locking his bones together. It was just like last time. Yuuri wasn't sure what Victor wanted, wasn't sure why Victor was upset. Was he hurt because he thought Yuuri didn't consider them lovers? Or was it less meaningful than that? Was this all a game to him and he wasn't happy that Yuuri didn't seem to be playing along?

If this was a game, Yuuri wanted Victor gone.

Yuuri dropped his face into his hands again, no longer capable of watching Victor leave. It hurt him so much, the confusion so thick that Yuuri felt heavier with it. Like it might press him down beneath the surface of the ice. The thought had Yuuri gasping, spluttering. The memory of drowning, of _knowing_ he was going to die rose it's hideous head and swallowed Yuuri whole.

Yuuri stumbled backwards across the ice, back meeting the awning as he fell. The noise of the ringing was so loud and Yuuri's heart was beating so fast. He thought of Victor, of the way Victor held his hand and kissed his lips. The last thing Yuuri remembered was his name being called, before the panic completely consumed him and he blacked out.

It felt like drowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vse v poryadk - it's okay  
> Miliy- diminutive 'dear'  
> Ya tak sil-no tebya khochu - I want you so much  
> Baka - idiot  
> Anata wa okubyōmonodesu - you're a coward  
> Kuso- - damn


	5. Chapter 5

_I wish those ocean eyes of yours, would not hide behind closed doors._

_Don't fear my dear, they stay down deep._

* * *

Where ever he was, it was freezing.

It was just like the water. Yuuri couldn't feel his fingers, chest aching like he'd been hit with something heavy. So heavy that he couldn't breathe with the weight of it. Pulling him down and under. He wanted to move, but he was just so tired. Like he could sleep for years. There wasn't any strength in him. Yuuri was drowning and all he could do was let it happen.

'Yuuri, Yuuri!'

Victor was speaking to him and slowly, very slowly, Yuuri was beginning to hear him. Things started to feel more real around him, the blackness of the water ebbing away like a tide. His hands were cold, gloves wet. He was sitting down and someone- Victor was next to him, running his hands over Yuuri's face and neck. Victor's hands were cold, too. Yuuri couldn't open his eyes, not yet. Instead he tried to focus on what he could feel, what he could hear.

Victor's hands, Victor's voice. And ice. The ice right beneath him, waiting to split open and pull him under.

Yuuri scrambled, arms and legs flailing, trying to get off the frozen surface. Victor cried out something but Yuuri wasn't listening. He tried to stand up, but the skates were too fluid beneath him and he kept stumbling. Then, Victor's arms were on him. Firm and warm. Holding Yuuri above the water.

'Yuuri, please listen to me. Do you understand me?' Victor said, his voice loud and echoing in the rink. Yuuri's breath was laboured as he looked around the rink, looking everywhere but at Victor. He was shaking, but everything was coming back now. Coming into sharp focus. No water.

Yuuri nodded slowly, shame and desperation wracking through him suddenly. His knees almost gave out again with the emotion so he gripped onto Victor, unable to stop himself. Yuuri pushed forward, wrapping his arms around Victor's waist, burying his face into Victor's chest. He could feel himself crying more than hearing it, the dull ringing persistent in his ears blocking almost everything else out.

It had happened _again._ It was just like the Grand Prix, just like all the other times Yuuri couldn't control himself. Emotional, silly Yuuri. It was all just so stupid. All this upset and Yuuri hadn't even been _hurt._ He hadn't died, hadn't done any major damage. All he'd done was fall through the ice. All he'd done was stop his heart beating.

Yuuri sobbed into Victor's chest, embarrassment so large inside him that he quite feared he would burst with it. It was mixing with the fear, the fear that hadn't left Yuuri's mind since he was lucid enough to be told what had happened. Together they made something toxic. It ran with Yuuri's blood; cold and poisonous. He wanted to scrub it out, or bleed it out, or pull it out of him like teeth. Yuuri wanted it _out._

'Yuuri, I'm sorry,' Victor said, arms around Yuuri's shoulders and back, gripping Yuuri so tight that the bruise of his chest began to throb from the pressure. Yuuri didn't realise he was shaking though until he noticed that Victor's hold was keeping him steady. Victor kissed the top of Yuuri's head, held his mouth there. 'I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have been so- I didn't mean- please, just listen to me. I've got you.'

Yuuri was listening. Victor sounded alien, his accent so thick and English stilted, like he was half-forgetting it. Yuuri breathed in the smell of his own fabric conditioner from Victor's under-armour and Victor's deodorant, back of his nose stinging from the cold of the rink. He was so afraid, so embarrassed. It was like China all over again.

Only worse, because Yuuri had gone and let Victor in much further than he had ever intended.

Last time Yuuri had completely broken down, Victor had threatened to resign as his coach. What would Victor do now? Resign as his boyfriend? _Both?_ Yuuri wasn't sure if he could pull himself together, wasn't sure if he could get control over the seeding panic that the accident had given him. It was so stubbornly stuck in him that any coping mechanism he had ever used before crumbled under it. It was just too big, the reality of it too huge. Yuuri wasn't sure he could carry it all by himself.

'Yuuri, you're scaring me,' Victor said softly. ' _Ly_ _ubimiy,_ please talk to me.'

'Don't resign!' Yuuri said, moving suddenly to grab Victor by the shoulders and face him head on, breaking out of Victor's grip.

Victor blinked at him once, twice- he seemed stunned to silence. Yuuri wouldn't blame him, he probably looked insane right now. He could feel how red his face was, could feel the tears and the wet nose and _god this is not good at all_ but the panic Yuuri had felt when Victor was leaving, the ache his heart had blossomed- Yuuri couldn't just not do anything. He couldn't.

'Resign?' Victor asked, the word quiet between them. Yuuri sniffled, hoping his nose would stop running so he could hold some measure of composure. Victor shook his head slowly, arms still frozen in the air in some phantom embrace; 'I think I'm misunderstanding you. Why would I resign?'

'I want you not to,' Yuuri said, knowing he probably wasn't making any sense but not sure how else to explain himself. Victor narrowed his eyes, clearly listening carefully and Yuuri's heart twisted at seeing Victor try for him. Shame flooded down through him. Yuuri had been so angry, so mean. He could hear Phichit scolding him from a world away.

'I'm not going to,' Victor said quickly, finally deciding to do something with his arms. He reached out and around Yuuri's waist, pulling Yuuri flush against him. Yuuri gasped a little at the closeness, emotion still so raw. 'Why would you think that?'

'You- I, uh,' Yuuri stuttered, words failing him. He thought back to their argument, both of their arguments. Thought of the look on Victor's face when he thought Yuuri was rejecting him. Yuuri knew what he wanted but he didn't know how to ask for it.

'I don't want you to resign from being my l-lover either,' Yuuri said, tripping over the word. But it was the word Victor had used. It somehow seemed very different to _boyfriend._ It was more grown up, sounded more romantic. Or something. Yuuri wasn't sure. There was just so much of _everything_ , he was struggling to sort through it all.

Victor's mouth opened in a silent gasp but Yuuri continued before he could speak.

'I'm sorry I'm so... you know. I know I'm fragile,' Yuuri said, face feeling hot and tears falling again, fast down his cheeks as he forced himself to admit to all of it. 'I know I mess up, a lot. And I'm sorry I can't control it! I know you hate it-'

'Yuuri, I-'

'Let me finish,' Yuuri said, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look into Victor's anymore. The blue of them was too much, too bright. He held onto Victor's shoulders, fingers digging through the thin fabric to feel the built muscle. 'I'm sorry I yelled at you that day. I was just so afraid that, I just- I didn't know what you wanted from me. It was so much so fast and I just needed some time to think. I didn't know about the ice, I should never have gone there. I _know_ that but...'

Yuuri trailed off, opening his eyes slowly and instantly regretting. Victor was looking at him with such open sadness now. His mouth was trembling downward, eyes flickering all over Yuuri's face like a reflection, scattering across Yuuri's cheeks and nose. That same look Yuuri had been trying to avoid for the last two weeks, only with nothing veiled anymore. Somehow, seeing Victor look so vulnerable made Yuuri feel even worse, despite honesty being all he had wanted from Victor from the first place.

But Yuuri wanted Victor to _give_ his honesty, not have it ripped out of him because Yuuri had accidentally forced him into it by almost killing himself.

Yuuri couldn't tell Victor that he was afraid he'd fallen in love with him. They'd only been in each other's lives for nine months, dating for only two weeks of it. It was too soon, it would be weird. Needy. Yuuri wanted to show Victor that he wasn't needy, that he wasn't some fragile teacup Victor had to mind from the edge. He wanted Victor to think he was brace, that he was confident. Wanted Victor to trust Yuuri with his feelings because he thought Yuuri was strong enough to keep them safe.

Yuuri wanted Victor to love him the way he loved Victor.

But he couldn't say that. Not yet.

' _Yuuri~_ ,' Victor said at last, his accent holding Yuuri's name like it was something precious, something to said delicately for fear Victor's tone might break it. Victor ran his hands up and down Yuuri's back in what could've been a soothing manner, but his fingers pressed in so hard that it almost hurt. 'I believe I told you already that I was staying with you forever.'

'I want you to mean it though,' Yuuri said, flinching when he heard the bluntness of his own voice. Yuuri shook his head before meeting Victor's gaze again. 'I mean- it's not that I don't believe you. I know you won't leave. But I want you to be staying because this, well- because _I_ mean something to you. Something more than just-' Yuuri let go of one of Victor's shoulders to gesture between them- 'whatever it is that inspired you to come and be my coach in the first place.'

Victor was frowning now and Yuuri was sure he was doing an atrocious job of trying to get his feelings across, but he kept pushing, knowing that if he didn't do it now he'd never do it at all.

'I want you to.. want me,' Yuuri said awkwardly. He bit his lip before starting again. 'All of me. This stupid, ugly panic thing, too. And I know that's not fair, as you've already given me so much and I _owe_ you so much. But I need to know going forward that whatever else we decide to do, you'll want it as much as you want what we have on the ice. Because I can't turn it off and I'm ah-afraid. What happened... it scared me. I don't know when that will go away. So just... please, just stay.'

It was lame, and stumbling, and it really didn't make a lot of sense, but Yuuri was done. He wasn't sure what else there was to say. Yuuri watched Victor the entire time, forced himself to meet Victor's emotion head on. He'd never seen Victor look so intense. This was different to the severe concentration of his coaching, or even the fevered mutterings when they were together. This was something deep and primal almost. Raw.

Victor's eyes were twisting blue, spiraling colours and Yuuri couldn't look away anymore than they could. Victor watched Yuuri right back, taking everything in with that same look of fear. Like Yuuri might vanish before him. Then, slowly, it melted away, mouth turning up into a very, very tentative smile and if Yuuri didn't know him any better, he'd say Victor might be nervous.

'You want me.'

It was Yuuri's turn to be confused. He wiped at his face abstractly, more moving the damp around than off. But he was sick of the feeling. It wasn't really a question, or it didn't sound like one. But Yuuri took a deep breath, answer running out with it; 'Of course I do.'

Suddenly it was all _go._

Victor twirled Yuuri around, pushing his body back against the awning of the rink. Yuuri almost stumbled in his skates, Victor's arms around his waist and the awning behind him holding his body up. Victor moved a hand up to touch Yuuri's face, gently running his fingertips across Yuuri's bottom lip.

'Are you sure, Yuuri?' Victor asked and Yuuri was shocked to hear Victor ask him something like that. Victor applied a bit of pressure to Yuuri's lips and Yuuri resisted the urge to kiss into the touch. Victor was watching Yuuri's lips, eyes downcast beneath charcoal eyelashes. 'I need you to be sure, because if I do this, I can't take it back.'

'I don't want you to take it back,' Yuuri whispered against Victor's thumb, meaning every word.

Victor's small intake of breath was like a confession. It rang true something in Yuuri and for the first time, Yuuri really appreciated that he may not have been alone in his worries about them doing this together. He thought of how Victor had kissed in front of the whole world, of how his face was like a city at Christmas when he talked about Yuuri's quadruple flip. He remembered how Victor had climbed into his hospital bed, how tightly he had held Yuuri's hand. Phichit's words came back to him, things coming together in understanding.

_This must be new for him, too._

Yuuri reached out, one hand holding Victor's arm around his waist and the other coming behind Victor's neck. He rubbed his thumb about the delicate hairs there, silver and downy. Yuuri wondered strangely what it would be like if Victor's hair was still long. How that would feel. Yuuri wished he could've known. He wanted to know everything. Wanted to fill in all the gaps, colour Victor in with everything he could.

' _Yuuri_ ,' Victor whispered and Yuuri watched as he closed his eyes, bottom lip trembling slightly. 'I want...'

Victor didn't finish, but for the first time, Yuuri thought he knew what Victor wanted.

'Victor,' he said softly, sounding a bit breathless. They were so close now, Victor still rubbing his thumb so tortuously lightly across Yuuri's lip. Victor let out a shuddering breath, his whole body shaking all the way down.

'I thought I had lost you,' Victor said, voice thick. Yuuri couldn't see any tears, but the emotion struck him deep, rattling between his bones like chimes. 'That day. You looked dead. All I could think was how I never told you. Never told you everything I had been thinking.'

Yuuri waited patiently, holding his breath against Victor's fingers.

'You're beautiful, Yuuri,' Victor said, leaning forward so their foreheads met. He moved his hand, trailing his thumb down Yuuri's lip, his chin. He gripped Yuuri's jaw, breathing heavily and Yuuri felt each breath wash over him like Victor was breathing for him. It was heady, intoxicating and felt ever so slightly dangerous. 'You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.'

'Stop, don't say-'

'You are,' Victor interrupted sternly. He opened his eyes and met Yuuri's gaze; burning blue to brown. Victor's grip around Yuuri's waist tightened. 'Don't do that. Sell yourself so short. Who taught you to do that?'

'I-' Yuuri stopped, unsure how to answer other than _the world taught me that._

'Can I?' Victor asked, eyes closing again and Yuuri knew what he was asking. Everything Yuuri had been worried about seemed so far away now. The panic was gone, the fear dissipating. Nothing mattered in this moment more than Victor's warmth, than the colour of his cheeks in the cold and the way his lips would feel.

'Yes,' Yuuri said and Victor didn't speak anymore.

Yuuri yielded to Victor's kiss immediately. There was no care in this one, it was all hunger and a needy noise slipped out from Victor as Yuuri opened his mouth beneath his. Slow, rolling kisses that blurred into each other, warming Yuuri all the way down to his finger tips. Victor kissed him until he couldn't breathe, until all Yuuri could focus on was the give and take. Victor was so close, lips so soft and Yuuri could feel the prickle of his stubble, barely there but biting. Yuuri didn't notice how silent it was until Victor yanked him forward and Yuuri moaned in response, the noise of it echoing in the rink.

Then it was over.

Victor pulled away, kissing Yuuri very lightly on the lips one last time before he pulled away. Yuuri's gut twisted in disappointment and he made a small noise of impatience. If Victor _still_ denied him after all that then-

'Let's get you off the ice,' Victor said, laughing at little at Yuuri's irritable pining. Yuuri only nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

In the locker room, Yuuri tried to pace himself. His heart was beating so fast and shame at his panic attack hit him so hard that he would flinch from it. But Victor held his hand all the way through it, sitting Yuuri down on the bench by the locker-wall.

'Sit down. I'll help you with your skates,' Victor said, already kneeling before Yuuri could say anything.

'You don't have to,' Yuuri said weakly, not really sure he wanted Victor to stop. Victor didn't, resting on the floor and undoing the laces of Yuuri's skates. Yuuri watched the ministrations, watching Victor's pale fingers, tinted pink with the cold, slip around the boot with practiced ease. Something stirred in him at the sight of Victor kneeling.

' _Victor.'_

Victor looked up and Yuuri was once again struck with how handsome Victor was. His cheekbones were so sharp, jawline pointed. He was so far from the round cheeks and curved chin that Yuuri had himself. Yuuri's heart rabbited in his chest, erratic and eager. Victor's eyes darkened, storm brewing and Yuuri knew he wasn't alone in feeling the tension. Yuuri knew what he wanted, but he wasn't sure how to get there. His hands came up between them, reaching but nothing else. Yuuri suddenly felt very foolish.

But then Victor was kissing him again and it felt the way kissing Victor always did. Like Yuuri was weightless, like he was moving through that quad flip all over again. Dizzying, luminous. Yuuri wondered if it would always feel this way, if Victor's kiss would always twist his stomach so pleasantly and tremble his knees the way he did.

The kiss was tumbling down, gaining momentum as Victor leaned up from his position on the floor and Yuuri pressed down. Teeth, tongues, wet lips. Getting hungrier and hungrier with each press, Yuuri's mouth opening to take Victor's tongue in, the slow slid of it sending hot spikes down through Yuuri. _All the way down._

Yuuri wanted to bury his hands in Victor's shirt, but the under-armour was too tight for that so he settled with holding Victor by the neck with both hands, tugging Victor up a little. Victor made up for it, screwing his fingers into Yuuri's loose t-shirt, pulling Yuuri forward so their chests met in the middle, mismatched with the height difference of their positions.

'I need to get you home,' Victor breathed against Yuuri's lips, barely finishing before Yuuri took them back, gently taking Victor's bottom lip between his teeth. Yuuri had never kissed anyone before the way he kissed Victor. Yuuri mostly copied what Victor did to him, rarely trusting his instinct. He let instinct lead the way now and Victor groaned as Yuuri sucked lightly, teasing. Yuuri released him to press quick, chaste kisses while Victor tried to speak around them; 'You aren't well. I should look after you.'

'You're looking after me now,' Yuuri said, voice rasping and English twitching with the American accent he had learned with it. Yuuri knew that sounded corny, embarrassing really. But he didn't care. He didn't think he'd ever wanted anything this much.

Victor whimpered, tongue bruising as he poured new energy into the kiss. Grip still buried in Yuuri's shirt, Victor stood and turned Yuuri to his side on the bench, body slipping with ease as his nylon sweats gave beneath him. Then Victor was on top of him, lying Yuuri down onto his back on the bench. It wasn't exactly comfortable; the bench was ridged and Yuuri's shoulder blades were awkwardly digging in between the spaces of it. Yuuri's skates were still on but untied and he kicked them off ungracefully, Victor pressing down. Chest to chest, hips to hips. Victor's hands running up and down his sides.

Yuuri didn't care that it was uncomfortable, because Victor's weight was on top of him and his hands were pushing Yuuri's shirt up, exposing his stomach to the cool air. His hands traveled up and up, and they had done this before but this time it felt so much keener. So much more real, like a wall had come down and now Yuuri could feel everything _that much more_. Victor reached Yuuri's nipples, peaked from the cool air and he pressed his thumb across them.

It was like sparks. Stuttering, electric feeling. Yuuri arched into it, breath shaking.

Heat pooled down between Yuuri's legs, thick and sharp, but instead of feeling embarrassed, Yuuri felt need. He needed more friction, more movement. He wrapped his legs up and around Victor's waist, forcing Victor's body closer and Yuuri could feel the outline of Victor's erection against the inside of his own thigh. Yuuri made a soft _oh_ noise as Victor sighed at the contact.

'Yuuri, are you-?'

' _Yes_ ,' Yuuri practically growled, forcing his tongue into Victor's mouth. Saliva moved between them, Yuuri's lips slick with it. It was so sexual, so far from anything they had done before. They were hurtling towards somewhere fast and Yuuri was happy to follow the direction all the way.

Yuuri moved his hands down Victor's neck, pinching and pulling at Victor's shirt until the hem came free of the track pants. Yuuri took a quick breath at the exposure of Victor's abs as the shirt rode up, seeing the ridged outline of them quite clearly from his position of looking down across them. Yuuri ran his hand slowly over them, barely touching. Like maybe this wasn't allowed.

'You're so wonderful, _miliy_ ,' Victor said and Yuuri looked up to meet him. Victor was looking at him with such open fondness, smile crooked and genuine, cheeks flushed red. A few weeks ago, Yuuri would never have trusted such a look from Victor. But things were different now. Yuuri felt himself blush, despite everything. Victor thought he was wonderful. Yuuri had never considered he could be such a thing, not before Victor.

'God, are we really going to do this here?' Yuuri sighed, not at all as concerned as he should be.

Victor laughed, kissing Yuuri briefly, words pressed up against Yuuri's lips; 'Seems appropriate.'

Yuuri took the end of Victor's shirt, pulling it up and Victor acquiesced immediately, tossing the article somewhere behind him. Yuuri was breathless again, stunned to have _Victor Nikiforov_ beneath his finger tips. Victor's shoulders were so broad, his chest a wide plane. Yuuri ran his fingers through the dusting of hair between his pectorals. Yuuri didn't have any hair there himself. He watched it move beneath his fingers. Victor just let him touch, making a hum of approval when Yuuri skittered over his nipples.

Then Victor was kissing him again and all Yuuri could think to do was hold on, hands flying up to Victor's bare shoulders and digging into the warmth there. Victor grinded forward, the heat between meeting and Yuuri groaned through the kiss, wondering how he had ever gotten so lucky to find himself in this situation.

' _Yuuri~'_ Victor said, saying Yuuri's name the way Yuuri always hoped he would. He kissed Yuuri again and it was so wet, lips slipping together. Yuuri moaned loudly through it, arching up and meeting the hardness of Victor, the strength of his body. They both made a noise at the contact and Yuuri was spiraling, because it just wasn't enough.

'God, look at you,' Victor sighed, kissing his way down Yuuri's jaw, his neck. All the way down the skin, leaving it wet and tingling until he made it to Yuuri's collarbone.

Victor nudged the material of Yuuri's shirt out of the way with his chin and then he bit down on the bone. It was like being tickled, skin so sensitive it was like it was bubbling. Yuuri yelped, a wounded sound but Victor was sucking now and all Yuuri could do was squirm beneath him, hips starting to roll forward.

A hand moved between them; Victor's palm up and rubbing, finally applying the friction Yuuri so desperately craved. Yuuri moaned, loud, too loud for where they were. _What if Yuuko-chan caught them?_ But Yuuri was still rutting up into Victor's hand and Victor was murmuring things into Yuuri's skin between kisses, whispering about how Yuuri was _so good_ and _beautiful_. Those things made Yuuri blush more than the feeling of Victor's erection, thick and earnest against him. How did people do this? How did people love someone this much without the fear?

And Yuuri was afraid still. Deep down, he wondered what would happen after this. Victor had said he wouldn't be able to take it back and Yuuri didn't want him to. He wanted Victor give him everything. But if Victor became Yuuri's everything then what would happen if Victor left?

'Stop thinking,' Victor said, coming to kiss Yuuri deeply again and Yuuri's eyes slid closed, delighting in the feeling. A smile fought through the assault, memory teasing back to Yuuri slowly.

'I told you that once,' he said, referencing to just after the Cup of China. He had been worried Victor was reconsidering his actions then, worried that Victor might've thought Yuuri didn't want him back. Yuuri had been so tired from competing, from the upset his anxiety had caused. He had just wanted them both to stop stewing, wanted to just indulge in the glow Victor kissing him had given him.

'And you were right. Just like I'm right now,' Victor said, tone light as he kissed Yuuri between words. Victor pressed his forehead to Yuuri's, kissing him once before pulling away again. 'Let me in, Yuuri. Stop going into your head where I can't follow you.'

Yuuri opened his eyes at that, unsure what to say to such a request. Victor was watching him, up so close that he was a blur of peaches and blues. Even if he had his glasses, Yuuri wouldn't be able to make out his face this close. Yuuri ran his hands along Victor's shoulders, unsure. Victor's grip on Yuuri's waist with his other hand was stronger, an answer maybe to Yuuri's silent question. Yuuri took a moment to really think about what they were doing. He thought of what Victor had said.

_If I do this, I can't take it back._

Yuuri had said he didn't want Victor to take it back. And he had meant it. Time to deliver on that promise.

He was kissing Victor instantly at that and the hand over his swollen erection squeezed in response, causing a needy whine to leak out of Yuuri's mouth. Victor used both hands now, scrambling between them at the drawstrings of their sweats. Yuuri rocked his hips up into Victor the entire time, swallowing every groan and whimper Victor made with a deep, wet kiss. It was more than heat pooling between his legs now, it was an aching sting. Like an itch, desperate to be scratched.

When Yuuri was exposed to the air, he sucked in a breath. But he lost it immediately after when he felt Victor's own erection against his, a large hand bringing them together and Yuuri keened, high-pitched and needy. Victor started to move, hips rutting in and out of his own grip, sliding so sinfully against Yuuri. Yuuri's legs tightened around Victor's waist, his own hips snapping up into the loop of Victor's hand and the tight press of their arousal pushed together.

It couldn't be this easy, Yuuri knew that. Somewhere, deep down. There was still so much else he needed to say, needed to hear Victor say. But it was lost in all the movement, lost to the sound of Victor grunting in a way Yuuri had never heard. Untrained, guttral. Yuuri felt so humbled, so affected by Victor's hair twisting together with the slight shine of sweat of his forehead. Yuuri tilted his head back as the coil started turning tighter inside him, just seeing the ceiling before his eyes closed and he was lost to the pleasure of it.

Victor gripped a little tighter and Yuuri's groan cut off with his breath, leaving him with a choking noise as he frantically lifting his hips up as fast as he could, in and out. Motion echoing something else, something Yuuri had never considered an option before. But his mind was filled with the image of it now and Yuuri _wanted_ it.

'Vic- oh, Victor,' Yuuri stammered, rutting becoming erratic as Victor's sped up.

The skin of Victor's erection was soft against Yuuri's, his fingers a little rough. It was so fast now, both of them reduced to heavy breaths and deep whines. Yuuri pressed on Victor's back, forcing him even closer. One of Victor's legs slipped off the bench, stuttering them for a moment but Victor just used the new angle for more momentum, causing the building tension in Yuuri to almost hit an acute point of pain.

Victor was speaking, words slow and his accent so thick now that it took Yuuri a moment to register what he was saying. They both started to speak over each other, stopping for breath, stopping when they would rub up against each other _just_ right.

'You can't know how much I have wanted-'

'Victor- _ah!'_

 _'_ How much I've wanted you.'

'I- I know. _Please, don't stop.'_

'I think of you, al-always. Oh, Christ. _Yuuri~'_

It was all going to be over soon, very soon, Yuuri was sure. All it took for Yuuri was few more thrusts and then he was tipping over, silently opening his mouth for words he couldn't bring himself to say. Victor moved once or twice more, but then he was coming, too. The heat of it poured down over Yuuri, intimate and damning. Yuuri wondered if he'd carry it with him, beneath his skin.

For a long while, they stayed as they were, panting and flushed. Yuuri opened his eyes to take Victor in. Victor's eyes were screwed shut, cheeks red and hair completely messed. He looked the least put-together Yuuri had ever seen him. Yuuri's heart squeezed with love at the sight of it, wondering how soon he could see it again. If Victor would let him see it again.

Victor opened his eyes, catching Yuuri watching him. Yuuri would blush, but he was sure he was already red all over. He smiled up at Victor, unable to stop himself and Victor smiled back, his whole posture collapsing a little. He chuckled softly, the sound running up Yuuri's body like hands run up a piano's keyboard. It hit all the right notes on the way up, made Yuuri's heart sing.

'You never fail to surprise me,' Victor said, slowly letting go of them and pulling back a little. Yuuri stayed here he was, feeling the wetness begin to dry in the cool of the locker room. He readjusted his sweats, sticking unpleasantly.

'Good. I want to surprise you,' Yuuri said because it was true.

Victor pulled Yuuri up off the bench while he replaced his own trousers. He watched Yuuri with a look, fondness evident but something was different. There was something in how his eyes watched Yuuri, how they looked like there were lit up from the inside out. Yuuri stared back for a moment before he realised. There wasn't any fear there. Victor was just looking at him, happy to be looking at him. Yuuri felt heat bloom in the corners of his eyes, prickling. He blinked for a moment, hoping the tears would abade. Then Victor's hand came up to hold his face, thumb rubbing circles on Yuuri's cheek.

 _'Moya lyubov','_ Victor whispered, leaning forward to kiss Yuuri gently. Yuuri wondered if Victor knew he was speaking Russian, whether he did it on purpose because he knew Yuuri wouldn't understand.

For the first time, Yuuri was fine with not knowing. He trusted Victor. He trusted Victor with his skating, he trusted Victor would help him through what had happened on the resevoir. And he trusted Victor with his heart. If Victor couldn't say what he saying to Yuuri in English, in a way that Yuuri would understand, then Yuuri would wait until he could.

'I need to shower. We may have gotten ahead of ourselves a little,' Yuuri said, looking down at the mess he'd made of himself. Victor laughed, kissing Yuuri on the forehead.

'Oh, Yuuri. Wait and see what else I have to show you.'  
  
Yuuri smiled. He could wait. And when Victor was ready, Yuuri would tell him.

* * *

Yuuri had created a monster.

It was like if a child had been raised on carrot sticks, only to be released in a gingerbread house. In that Victor was the child in this scenario, and the gingerbread house was- well, what mattered was Victor was enjoying every second of Yuuri's newfound proclivity for indulging him. If anything, he enthusiastically supported it.

Training was difficult. It had always been difficult for Victor, temptation so strong that at times he'd have to excuse himself just so he could gather his thoughts together and put them firmly in a coachly direction. After all, he was supposed to be Yuuri's coach first. Slowly that determination had withered under Yuuri's consistent give, (always give to Victor), especially once the kissing started. Then the excuses to leave had become a bit more necessary, in that Victor's distraction threatened to be a little more visible.

But now? Well, now Victor didn't have to go anywhere and he wasn't sure how they'd ever get to the Grand Prix, as between them almost nothing got done. Because all it took was Yuuri to extend his leg behind him at the ballet barre, or even just his open grin when he landed a quad in practice. And Victor? Victor would be overcome to touch, to follow the line of that leg or taste the smile on Yuuri's lips. And all Yuuri would do was mumble a half-hearted protest before his eyes would melt like hot chocolate and Victor would fall completely for the sweetness of it. Yuuri had let Victor in and Victor was hardly going to pass up the invitation. He was going to go as far as he could and he had Yuuri's full permission to do so. It was more than impressive. It was humbling.

'Stop that,' Yuuri said from his position on the floor. He was on his back on a stretching mat by the side of the rink at Ice Palace, right leg pulled up to his chest. He was in his tracks, runners looking particularly beat up from the snow outside.

'Stop what?' Victor asked, watching the way Yuuri's muscles moved from beneath the short sleeves of his t-shirt, only half listening.

'Looking at me like that,' Yuuri muttered, eyes focused on the ceiling but Victor could see him blush. Victor smiled, pushing off the awning where he was leaning. He stood over Yuuri, toes to the top of Yuuri's head and looked down at him. Yuuri looked back up at him, glasses catching the light.

'You mean like this?'

'Yes. I mean like that,' Yuuri grumbled, looking away from Victor as he switched legs. 'Don't go playing dumb.'

Victor smirked, pleased with how red Yuuri was getting. Victor knew it would be a bad idea to start anything, as like with most things, Victor could never start something with Yuuri he couldn't finish.

Didn't mean he couldn't have some fun.

'Where's my sweet Yuuri gone? You're usually much more agreeable,' Victor teased, bending over a little to look further at Yuuri. Yuuri huffed as he pulled his left leg up, hands tugging the top of his runner up to stretch out the arch of his foot.

'The only thing I'm agreeing to is training,' Yuuri said, meeting Victor's gaze and though his mouth was stern, Victor could see the smile waiting in the brown of Yuuri's eyes. 'You know training? It's that thing coaches are supposed to do.'

'Are you implying I'm not dedicated to coaching you?'

'I'm implying that what you're dedicated to, right now in this moment, is most likely not coaching me in anything that would help my skating,' Yuuri said matter-of-factly, dropping his form. He lay on his back, arms coming up over his head, almost touching Victor's shoes. He watched Victor, mouth twirking. Victor smiled back, folding his hands behind his back. The picture of self-control.

'There are many aspects of skating, you know,' Victor said as Yuuri gave him a sceptical look. 'Nothing wrong with exploring them. After all, Eros is always evolving. We should give it due notice.'

Yuuri gave Victor a _look._ Victor knew that look. It was the 'stop teasing me you prick' look, not that Yuuri would ever say such a thing out loud. Victor wondered if some day he could wind Yuuri up so much he'd actually swear. He hoped he could. Certainly gave it a good try every chance he got. The previous evening Victor was sure he'd gotten close to it when he had Yuuri pinned against the bedroom door and Victor had sunk to his knees before him.

Not that Victor should be thinking about that now. As they were training. Because the Rostelecom Cup was only three days away. And Victor needed to focus as much as Yuuri.

Focus on something other than the way Yuuri's t-shirt was a little too loose, collarbones exposed teasingly at the hem of the red fabric.

'You're doing it again.'

'I'm merely assessing your stretching technique,' Victor answered, lowering himself down to his knees, Yuuri looking at him upside down. 'Perhaps some coachly guidance.'

'You're impossible,' Yuuri said but he was smiling in earnest now and Victor knew he'd gotten his way.

'Hmm,' Victor hummed, running his hands over Yuuri's shoulders, down his chest. Loved watching Yuuri's cheeks bloom like flowers, the little jump of his chest as his breath caught. Victor flashed teeth, pulling his arms back as he leaned down, inches away from kissing Yuuri, his fringe falling down over Yuuri's cheek. He was so close, lips just brushing Yuuri's.

Then-

'You should stretch your arms as well, we're going to be doing some extensions!' Victor said brightly, standing up in one swift movement, leaving Yuuri on the floor.

Yuuri spluttered, face completely red now. He frowned as he stood up as well, glaring at Victor the entire time he extended his right arm up and over the back of his neck.

'You did that on purpose.'

'I don't know what you mean,' Victor said airily, waving a hand as he moved to the bench to put his own skates on. He turned to look at Yuuri over his shoulder, giving him a wide grin; 'I just want you to be well prepared for training! Especially as today I think we should focus on the quadruple Salchow. You keep dropping your form when you land. I really expect better of a silver medalist.'

Yuuri groaned in frustration, moving to switch arms. It wasn't a swear, but it was close. Maybe Victor could break it out of him on the ice. Victor sat down and kicked off his runners, Yuuri muttering to himself in Japanese as he switched arms. If not- well, there was always the locker room.

* * *

There were still bad nights in all the days that had come after Yuuri's panic attack at Ice Palace.

It was usually just before bed, when they were about to turn the light off. Yuuri would grow tight with anxiety, mind clearing racing along whatever track it had gotten stuck on. He'd try and pass it off, telling Victor he'd retreat to his own room. But Victor had fought so hard to get Yuuri into his bed in the first place that Victor would hardly let Yuuri run off to be miserable alone.

Victor always did his best. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't enough. Yuuri would still cry, sometimes complaining that he couldn't get the chill that drowning had given him out of his skin, no matter how much Victor held him. Those nights were hard, Makkachin often having to move from his usual spot at the end of Victor's bed as the disruption would prove too much for him. Victor and Yuuri would sit on the bed and Victor would try not to push, but he didn't let Yuuri get away with burying it either. They'd talk until the onsen woke up around them, pipes groaning and floors creaking.

When Yuuri confessed to Victor that he was struggling with showers, panic at being under the water proving too much at times and that was what was taking him so long after training and in the morning, Victor's suggestion that they simply shower together had met resistance. Victor couldn't understand why, pushing more than he usually would dare.

'I think it will help,' Victor said, holding Yuuri to his chest as they lay in Victor's bed the night before they left for Moscow.

'I- I'm not sure, Victor,' Yuuri said, lips against Victor's bare chest. Makkachin shifted at the end of the bed, snout huffing.

'Why not? I can't believe it's because you're shy, all of a sudden,' Victor said, smiling a little as he ran his hand down Yuuri's naked back, eternally grateful that this was something he got to have. Yuuri shivered beneath him. He looked up at Victor, dark eyes catching just the smallest bit of moonlight through the blinds.

'It's not about that,' Yuuri said quietly, sounding distant. He was over thinking, Victor knew it.

'I'll always meet you where you are, you know that,' Victor said, the words almost like a mantra now he said them so often to reaffirm himself to Yuuri. Victor would say them every day for the rest of his life if he meant keeping Yuuri feeling safe. 'But I think you should trust me here.'

'I'm just...'

Yuuri said nothing else, voice fading away but Victor was sure he understood.

'I won't think less of you, Yuuri,' Victor said, putting his lips to Yuuri's hair, smelling the faint scent of shampoo. 'I still think about it, too, you know. Some nights, I wake up filled with dread for what could've happened. When I turn and see you here, sleeping and safe, I worry my heart might break with how happy I am. If anything, you may think less of me for being so selfish. But when it comes to you, I can't seem to help it.'

Yuuri breathed out slowly, air cool against Victor's chest. Victor wasn't sure if that was too much too fast, to admit to such a thing, but it was true and if nothing else Victor wanted to be honest. It wasn't fair if Yuuri thought he was suffering alone. Not when Victor could help him.

'Maybe it could help both of us,' Victor suggested.

Yuuri made a noise, neither positive or negative so Victor waited. They lay in the dark, old wood creaking around them and Makkachin snuggling at their feet. It was quiet and comfortable, but Victor tried not to worry that he had said too much and scared Yuuri with the depth of his emotion. Victor loved Yuuri, was in love with him. Of that he was convinced. But he didn't want to push, didn't want Yuuri to feel like he should love Victor back. He wanted Yuuri to come to him all by his volition.

'We can try in the morning, before breakfast,' Yuuri said at last and the knot of nerves Victor had loosened a little inside of him.

Victor kissed Yuuri on the head, pulling him closer as he did so. They'd get through this, Victor was sure. But they were going to do it together, even if Victor had to lay all his feelings bare for Yuuri to allow it. Yuuri was so stubborn, thinking he had to be so strong all the time. Like he had to carry everything himself. He was the same in his skating; the pressure he put on himself, the pressure to prove people wrong, to keep Victor's reputation, to make himself happy. In this, in this special and fragile thing between them, Victor wanted Yuuri to feel safe enough that he didn't have to fight. Victor was here. And Victor would help him.

The next morning, Victor washed Yuuri's hair with his shampoo. Yuuri smelled like Victor for the whole day, and once they were settled on the plane, Victor couldn't help but breathe him in. Victor wanted Yuuri to wear their relationship, their life together, like he wore Victor's scent. Given by Victor and worn without worry.

* * *

Yuuri watched as Victor shed his coat, throwing it haphazardly on the chair by the desk before he collapsed onto one of the twin beds. They'd just arrived at the hotel in Moscow after almost a day of traveling, two airports later and both of them definitely feeling the wear of it.

'Ugh, how do you stand flying coach,' Victor moaned, stretching out dramatically on the bed, legs kicking out over the end and his grey jumper riding up a little. Yuuri rolled his eyes.

'It's much cheaper and for a flight so long, it really doesn't make that much a difference,' Yuuri replied, throwing his gear bag down before sitting on the other twin bed. Victor sighed loudly.

'You only think that because you've never flown properly. Next competition we're getting business class.'

'We are not,' Yuuri retorted, just the thought of such an expense for no reason causing him to shudder.

Victor huffed unhappily, before he flipped over to his side, resting his head on one of his hands. His hair was a little damp from the Russian snow, which was wetter and more frequent than the snow back in Hasetsu. Fringe covering half his face, Victor smiled dangerously and Yuuri raised an eyebrow, already knowing what to expect.

'You'll have to make it up to me then,' Victor flirted, wiggling his one visible eyebrow. Yuuri laughed, exhaustion tugging at him as he started to peel his coat off, debating whether he should hang it up or throw it on the chair with Victor's.

'I'll win gold then. We can pay for the tickets with the medal,' Yuuri said sarcastically, deciding on the right thing to do and getting up with regret to hang his coat up.

'Not exactly what I had in mind,' Victor said, almost sounding like he was pouting. Yuuri laughed quietly.

'What a surprise.'

Yuuri heard movement, but before he could turn around, Victor was up and behind him. He hands slipped under Yuuri's hoodie, fingers freezing. Yuuri squawked in protest, hands coming up to push Victor off him.

'You're freezing!'

'Warm me up,' Victor said, nuzzling his nose in Yuuri's hair. He breathed in and sighed happily. Yuuri turned in his grip, a little self-conscious as he stared up into Victor's eyes. Molten blue now, like they always were before Yuuri inevitably gave in to whatever Victor was asking because he just couldn't resist.

'Don't sniff me,' Yuuri scolded, watching Victor through his glasses. Victor closed his eyes in a self-satisfied look, hiding his face into Yuuri again.

'Why not?'

'Because I've been traveling for what feels like forty hours now and I probably smell terrible.'

'You smell amazing,' Victor replied instantly, tightening his hold around Yuuri's waist and pulling him backwards in Victor's embrace.

'Sure,' Yuuri said but he was smiling, happiness bubbling up through him like a pot boiling over. 'Lets shower and sleep.'

The shower itself was brief, mostly just to get the grime of the plane and all that came with it off. Yuuri still felt the tightness in his chest, still found his breath racing just a little too fast. But Victor was there with him, hands running up and down Yuuri's sides in a way that if Yuuri could focus on anything other than the water raining down on him would be sure to send his thoughts in a different direction.

But Victor was patient. He helped Yuuri clear the shampoo from his hair, his hands moving almost reverently over Yuuri's now faded bruise. Victor looked so much smaller with his hair wet, the way it was pushed off his forehead and clung to his pale skin making his face so much more open. Younger, maybe. Yuuri watched his face as Victor ran small circles over Yuuri's chest until Yuuri forgot where they were, hypnotised by the way Victor's eyes changed colour.

They pushed the beds together. It wasn't really the same as a double bed, but Yuuri had been strict on not booking one. He told Victor honestly that he didn't want to incite the already rampant gossip. Especially as Yuuri knew for a fact that his accident with the reservoir was bound to come up and Yuuri wasn't sure how prepared he was for that, never mind the inevitable Twitter article being brought up as well.

Victor held Yuuri to his chest, Yuuri's back to him and their legs folded together. The bed smelled like the onsen from the fabric conditioner of their pajamas and Yuuri buried his face into the pillow, sleep so close but his head still spinning a little bit with thoughts about what the competition tomorrow would bring.

Only one thing was certain right now.

'What is it, _miliy_?' Victor asked, voice rough with sleep and the Russian deep. Yuuri glanced over his shoulder at him.

'I want to tell you something,' Yuuri said, voice almost a whisper though it was only them in the dark hotel room. Yuuri twisted around in Victor's grip, looking up at him and wishing he was still wearing his glasses. Victor blinked blearily down at him, hair dry now and curling slightly around his face.

'Alright,' Victor said but he sounded a bit nervous. Yuuri pushed up, kissing Victor briefly, just enough to taste the mint of his toothpaste before pulling away.

'You're everything I've ever wanted,' Yuuri said, forcing himself to look Victor in the eye as he confessed. 'Everything.'

Victor's eyes widened and he looked much more awake. He sat up a bit, Yuuri rolling onto his back at the movement. Victor held Yuuri's face, fingers trembling a little. Panic made Yuuri go cold as Victor remained silent, expression one of wonder.

God, he probably thought Yuuri was insane. They'd only been dating a month, just. And he'd just practically told Victor that he loved him like a complete crazy person. Yuuri opened his mouth, about to explain, maybe backtrack but then Victor was kissing him. The press of Victor's lips was strong, almost too heavy and Yuuri couldn't open his mouth beneath the pressure to meet him. But then Victor was gone, broad and beautiful smile on his face.

'Do you mean it?' Victor asked, sounding a little giddy. Yuuri nodded, wishing his heart would stop pounding so loud in his ears. The time for bailing out was gone.

'Yeah, yes. Of course.'  
  
Victor kissed him roughly again, clearly excited.

'You're all I ever dreamed of, moya lyubov',' Victor said, keeping Yuuri's gaze as the words registered in Yuuri's mind. Victor kissed him again, more sweetly, lips moving in slow presses. Yuuri smiled through it, unable to stop himself.

Next time, Yuuri would tell Victor that he loved him. He wasn't sure how, or when exactly. But right now, in this bed, in this hotel room with Victor's arms around him, Yuuri knew that he could trust Victor to love him back. 

It was the best feeling in the world. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They made it in the end. <3
> 
> Lyrics from 'They Stay Down Deep' by Giselle.
> 
> www.victorsporosya.tumblr.com


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